The Legend of the Crazy Bitch

Unlike today’s youth, the term “bitch” is not one I throw around. I don’t call my friends “biotches”. I call them buddies or pals or better yet, I call them by actual their actual names.

And when I am witness to bitchy behavior, I don’t automatically decide that the person acting that way is a bitch. I don’t jump to conclusions because we all have days when our kids are willful and rotten or we have our periods or our hair is frizzy and sometimes those days can get the best of us and the bitch comes out. A bitchy day does not make a bitch. It makes a human. If you’re never bitchy, you aren’t real. And I hate a fake way more than a bitch.

Recently I’ve also been learning through the example of one of my friend’s formerly sweet but now teenage daughters– adolescence brings out the bitch big time. Once again, thank God I have boys.

So there’s a little bitch in all of us but most of us keep it in check the majority of the time. The problem comes when you can’t keep it in check. In most cases, women with untamed bitchiness are also unfortunately crazy. Hence, the name “crazy bitch”. Definitely one of the scariest creatures you’ll ever run into because not only is she mean, she’s completely unreasonable and self involved.

The craziest bitch I ever met was our friend Dossenfeffer’s ex-girlfriend, Dawn. There are many examples I could give you that would clearly prove that Dawn was a crazy bitch, but some of them might be embarrassing to Dossenfeffer so I’m going to just give you one. It was on a trip to the beach in the late 1990's. We were there on kind of an overcast day so instead of hitting the beach we went to the boardwalk, walked around, and had lunch. Dawn’s behavior seemed normal at first but when we stopped for lunch she got all angry cause she didn’t want to eat pizza because it was too greasy and Doss had to go get her a tuna sandwich which she rejected because it had too much mayo. I totally understand being picky about food, but when you have food issues you can’t get mad at those who don’t. And if you’re eating on the boardwalk, there are not a lot of healthy options. These are just common sense deductions but since crazy bitches are unable to process rational thoughts they just get mad and super bitchy.

So Dawn pouted and complained the whole lunch and then we went to Jolly Rogers where all of a sudden she got super mad at Dossenfeffer and demanded we leave. Turned out she had to poop and wanted to go home which again is totally reasonable but her outburst was crazy. When we got home she wanted to Doss to go jogging with her but he wanted to go to the beer store with Bobby. Again, crazy outburst accentuated by storming out of the house for a jog. I was scared of what the night had in store but after a jog and a shower Dawn reappeared all refreshed and super nice and even sort of affectionate to Doss. It was like she’d washed off the bitchiness. Unfortunately what really was happening was that her mania was giving her a little time off.

We headed out to get some seafood and beer with Dossenfeffer and “nice Dawn” and actually started to have fun. She was laughing and not acting scary. It was almost delightful until we got to Seacrets and all hell broke loose again. I thought things were going well, but then Bobby and Dossenfeffer did their famous Kid N Play buddies dance and all of a sudden she was screaming again. And the screaming was that of an insane person. It made no sense and nothing had happened to provoke it. Maybe she was mad that the boys were having fun together and she wasn’t the center of attention. Maybe her drink wasn’t tasty. Maybe her underpants were giving her a wedgie. Who knows but whatever it was that made her mad she thought it was pretty bad because she turned into some sort of Tazmanian devil. Next thing I know we’re outside and Doss is throwing his hands up yelling “what do I have to do to make this girl happy?” and we’re on our way home too early in the evening. The next day stony silence and blue steel stares from Dawn all day but suddenly at dinner again total sweetness and a bizarre confusion over why the rest of us were walking on egg shells around her. I wanted to yell “it’s cause you’re a crazy bitch and we’re all scared of you, Dawn!” but since I am not a crazy bitch, I just looked at her like she was a supposedly tame bit pill with a known attack record.

In most cases, I sort of feel sorry for the crazy bitch because being hampered with mental illness sucks. In the case of Dawn, I don’t feel sorry for her because I actually believe she was a messenger from the Devil. But in most cases, I think it must be pretty awful to go through life riding so far off the rails of sanity all the time that you drive away people who might have cared about you. The crazy bitch is more pathetic than mean but it’s sort of hard to see that when you’re James Woods and that crazy bitch Sean Young is gluing your dick to your leg. And it’s kind of hard not to resent the crazy bitches of the world when your dad has had enough run in with them to assume every time a woman cries or disagrees with him she must be crazy. Sometimes we’re just sad or, dare I say it, right.

Sometimes the crazy bitches gives us all a bad name and I am not down with that.

So sane, not bitchy women of the world, let’s stand together and show society that we can all be rational and nice as long as we’re not having a bad hair day.