Greetings from The OC

No, not Orange County. The other OC. Ocean City Maryland.

I’ve been here with Bobby and the little boys since last Friday and we’re staying till this Friday.
Let the crazy hijinks begin!
Here’s a little of what’s happened so far….

On the drive to the beach Friday, we passed a little seashell shop with four police cars with their lights flashing in the lot. I assumed the store had been robbed until we got closer and saw that the police had two young guys, in their late teens or early twenties, hand cuffed on the side of the lot. Next to their car was an 18 pack of beer cans. The cops had the kids’ luggage out and were going through it, throwing shirts and shorts into the dirt, while they searched for more contraband. The poor kids must have gotten pulled over for a speeding ticket or something and then the police spotted the beer they were bringing to the beach and all hell broke loose. Those kids – who definitely looked old enough to vote and go to war, mind you – just had their whole vacation ruined and possibly picked up some criminal records. I love the kind of police who stop bad people – but these kids weren’t bad people. And a little beer on Memorial Day weekend at the beach isn’t so bad either so long as you’re not driving or overdoing it too much. My friends and I chugged wine coolers and Busch beers with the best of them before we were of age and we all turned out to be fine, responsible adults without drinking problems. Give the kids a break, Smokey.

Interestingly enough, while I sympathize with young people trying to get around the drinking age, I am disgusted by young people who smoke. I just don’t understand how new smokers exist when we know so much bad about smoking now. I have no idea what’s actually good about it. And I’m sorry, I know I sound like a mom, but it looks so trashy. Over the weekend, I was in CVS here in OC and the two kids in front of me were buying cigarettes and got carded. The boy pulls out his ID and sure enough, he turned 18 in April, which proves he’s old enough to legally purchase a pack of Camels. So I say to the kid, cause I just can’t help myself, “Listen, I’m not trying to give you a hard time, but I’ve gotta know – why would someone your age take up a nasty habit like smoking that is probably going to kill you?” and the kid smiles at me and says “I’m having a nic fit”. Well, of course you are, Dummy, cause you’re 18 and you’re addicted to nicotine – my question was why would you start in the first place. But I didn’t say that because clearly I was talking to someone who was mentally disabled.

At Northside Park we saw a family all wearing matching white “wife beater” tank tops. A dad and four kids all sporting wife beaters. Naturally, they looked smooth. And watching them gave Bobby the brilliant idea for a new TV show. He called it “The Beaters” and it would center around this family who only wear wife beaters and spend their summer in Ocean City – hitting the board walk and buying tee shirts that say hilarious things like “I’m so Irish I shit Leprechauns”, taking their brood of ragamuffin kids to Seacrets for the best body on the beach contest, eating crabs, talking about the Ravens, maybe having a dip (in the pool, or between their cheek and gum, or both). After the success of Jersey Shore, “The Beaters” is a sure fire hit and unlike that MTV show, Bobby’s show would be fun for the whole family. My husband is brilliant.

Yesterday, at the pool, I completed the research on my thesis proving that the women with the fakest boobs and darkest tans on the first day of summer, will parade around waiting to be noticed and never watch their own children. If I wasn’t so busy playing with my own kids, eating yummy hot dogs and using sunscreen so I don’t turn into leather woman, I might punch one of those women. (NOTE: I have several friends who have had cosmetic surgery to enhance their breasts and are still good parents. It's not the boobs, it's the whole desperate hanging on to your youth and wanting to be Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie syndrome that leads to complete self involvement and bad parenting and incites me to want to punch someone).

Today the weather is a little overcast so we took our kids to the boardwalk instead of the pool. I’m proud to report that both boys won a full size basketball playing the carnie games. And when given the choice of any ball as a prize, both rejected the “Elmo” and “Ninja Turtles” balls aimed at kids, and made manly choices. Mac went with the O’s ball and Charlie with the Terps ball. We don’t make sissies in this family.

So four days left at the beach, and my goal is to spot a toddler wearing one of those new Huggies denim diapers with the awesome tagline “the coolest you’ll ever look pooping your pants”. I’ll keep you posted on that.