Greetings from the OC Part II

It’s my last day in the OC. We’re packing up the condo tomorrow so the renters don’t touch any of our stuff this summer. I’ve definitely seen some folks that would give me nightmares if I thought we were sharing the same sheets. Although those nightmares would not compare to the real life nightmare I lived through at Fish Tales last night.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Ocean City Maryland, Fish Tales is a bar/restaurant out on the beach on the bayside. It’s awesome because right next to you on the sand is a giant pirate ship where your kids can play while you enjoy a leisurely meal or a few drinks or both. So last night, my family headed over there for a night of relaxation that quickly turned into horror. As I’ve mentioned before, I have an almost insane fear of birds. And at the beach, there are always seagulls hovering around waiting for you to drop a fry or worse yet for some moron to throw popcorn to them.

When we got to Fish Tales the kids immediately ran off to play on the pirate ship while Bobby and I sat back at the table, ordered dinner and had ourselves some beer. Sounds perfect. Until the kids' food came, but the kids weren’t ready to eat yet so they stayed on the pirate ship while their food waited at our table. Then Bobby got up to use the restroom and left me alone. That’s when the birds smelled my fear and decided to attack. Three seagulls literally dive bombed the table grabbing at Mac and Charlie’s plates and leaving their food shorn by dirty bird claws. I stood up and starting screaming but the birds kept up their attack. Everyone else just stared at me like I was some kind of freak. Then the waitress came over and asked if the birds had taken all the food or if there was enough left for the kids to eat. I was sort of in a state of shock and couldn’t even speak at that point. Luckily a lady at the next table said to the waitress “Birds were touching that food, they can’t eat it”. And so we packed up our kids and heading to a bird-free pirate restaurant with a play ship (Dead Freddies) for round two of our dinner. I had dreams of birds attacking me all night. You know how they say if you face your fears you’ll beat them. Wrong. I am now more afraid of birds than ever.

One place we didn’t go during our week at the beach is Buxy’s Salty Dog Saloon. Why, you ask, would I refuse to take my children to place where kids meals are served in dog bowls? Well, first of all, cause that’s gross. But more importantly, it’s because in 1990 I attempted to enter the Salty Dog with a fake ID and the bouncer didn’t let me in. To add insult to injury, he let all my friends in! Luckily, for me they were the kind of friends who didn’t go into a bar that their pal was rejected from so we all headed elsewhere but as I was walking away I said to that bouncer “You blew it, Man. I will NEVER set foot in this place. NEVER.” And twenty years later that threat is officially a promise. Never doubt the word of an angry underage Irish girl.

Speaking of underage drinking, last night we saw some more underage kids getting arrested. This time it was because they were caught with open containers. And the open containers they chose to drink out of while walking down Coastal Hwy were the infamous red plastic cups. Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that those cups are always filled with beer. What do you think my friends and I drink out of when we take our kids to the park during happy hour? Kidding. I just recently read a quote from the girl who plays Hermione in the Harry Potter movies where she was talking about adjusting to college life at Brown and she mentioned how surprised she was when she went to her first party and saw all the students drinking out of red cups just like a real life American teenage movie. So while I pitied the kids I saw getting busted on my drive here, the ones with the red cups were obviously way too dumb to get away with having a few beers. Maybe instead of a drinking age, we should have some sort of common sense test you have to pass to get served. Wow – I know I lot of old people who would need fake IDs if that were the case.

So tomorrow it ends. No more beach. Bob back to work. Mac off school and needing me to constantly amuse him and Charlie all summer long. It could get ugly. Or it could be great. We’ll see who the last man standing is at the end of the summer.

But before my summer can really get started, I need to find my friend Joe Lies. Has anyone seen him? Last I heard he was off somewhere snuggling a very sarcastic twenty-something waitress who he refuses to mix drinks for at home. If you find him, let me know.