Guess what you're getting for Christmas

With Christmas a few days away, I know most people are hustling around town to buy gifts and get ready for the big day.

I am not one of those people.

I decided on and purchased all the gifts I’ll be giving weeks ago. I don’t believe in doing things last minute. I like to enjoy Christmas week and I can’t enjoy it if I’m stressed out. With this in mind, I take care of everything in an annoyingly efficient and early time frame and then I sit back and have time to just take it all in.

So, now, with the very rare luxury of time on my hands, I can think about what I would buy people who aren’t on my list if I had the chance. Here’s what I’ve decided:

To the University of Maryland Athletic Department, I would give a good old fashioned spanking to teach them a little something about respect because the way they treated Ralph Friedgen this past weekend is nothing less than disgusting to me. I get it, you want new blood, but the man was just named ACC Coach of the Year and you disrespect him like that? Do you think anyone is going to want to play for a program who treats its own in such a despicable manner? Fear the Turtle? Yeah, fear that he knows nothing about loyalty and is gonna stab you in the back. Shame on you, Testudo.

To Kate Middleton, I would give a plane ticket and an escape plan. You’re smart and beautiful and interesting – why do you want to give up your independence to be a princess? Fairytales are so dark, you know? Nobody lived to regret putting on that tiara more than your fiance’s poor mother. And while William seems like a much nicer guy than his father, his looks are really going to the wayside (isn’t the first word in the fairytale title for prince supposed to be Handsome?) and he comes with a tanker full of baggage. I know most every little girl wants to grow up to be a princess, but you’re a big girl now, Kate, and you can do better.

To Ken Jeong, I would give the word “No”. I love you, Ken, but you’re heading quickly towards the kind of overexposure that makes people not think you’re funny anymore. The pepto-bismol commercial, while I’m sure it paid well, was not your best career move. Slow down. Take some time off. Enjoy being on Community and in the Hangover sequel and stop letting Hollywood shove you down our throats because when you become old news those executives who are pimping you out will drop you like your hot – which is ironic because at that moment you will be so not hot.

To the people who spell Christmas as X-Mas, I would give a firm kick in the ass because while it is your choice whether or not you believe in Jesus, we should all respect one another’s religious beliefs and that means that the most important part of the word is Christ. You cannot simply replace Him with an X. And if you’re Christian and do it, then shame on you – two kicks in the ass!

To Miley Cyrus, I would give foster parents because her real parents have not done her any favors letting her morph from Hannah Montana to Slutty McGee just in time to be old enough to be tried as an adult for future moronic and illegal behavior. Billy Ray if you can’t control her, find someone who can because your achy breaky heart is going to be hurting more than ever when your little girl ends up like that other ex-Disney darling, Lindsay Lohan.

To MTV and US Weekly I would give, I conscious because it’s obvious that neither has one. Between MTV airing Teen Moms and US Weekly putting the “stars” of the show on their cover at least once a month, we now have a bunch of incredibly immature and ignorant young girls purposely getting themselves pregnant so they can audition to be on MTV’s latest hit. Being a parent is so hard. And so is being a teenager. Why – even for 15 minutes of really lame fame – would anyone chose to be both?

To the ‘80’s I would give a huge round of applause because between Hot Tub Time Machine, Glory Daze and the upcoming Take Me Home Tonight, you are having quite a comeback my friend and me and my crimper could not be happier about seeing you.

And to you, my friends who indulge me by reading this blog and letting me use it to continue to claim I’m a freelance writer even though we all know I am a full time butt wiper, I would give a new year where I actually find the time to see each and every one of you in person and tell you how much you mean to me while we get really drunk.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!