In reality, I've got better things to do

On Monday night, I put myself through something really ugly. I watched the finale of the most recent installment of ABC’s The Bachelor. This one subtitled “On the Wings of Love” because the man looking for love is a pilot. Just typing that makes me want to throw up a little. Imagine how I felt when at the end of the program, Bachelor Jake and the girl he picked to be his wife, were serenaded on stage by Jeffrey Osborne singing live for them? I think I may have gone slightly blind. And deaf.

Why did I do this to myself you ask? I have no idea. I think it was because as a subscriber to US Weekly, I had been bombarded by stories of how nasty one of Jake’s final two women was and I just had to watch it play out. Sad, I know. And it ended just as my favorite magazine predicted it would; with Jake dumping sweet, naive, trusting Tenley for Vienna, a redneck Hooters waitress. And not the kind of Hooters waitress who is just using what God gave her to help pay for medical school. No, Vienna is the kind whose boobs and hair extensions are the only thing faker than her crazy split personality. Honestly, I was glad he picked her because they deserve each other. Jake is a cry baby tool with a smug grin and zero charisma. Bob walked in when I was watching one of the earlier episodes of the show and thought I was watching SOAP net because the lighting and Jake’s hair and the fact that he was crying while saying something like “I just have to follow my heart, even though it’s breaking” screamed daytime drama.

When it was over, I vowed to boycott all future Bachelor and Bachelorette shows including next Monday’s big event Jason & Molly’s Wedding which ABC is calling “the year’s greatest love story”. Really? The year’s greatest love story was some unknown tool picking one girl to be his wife and offering her a ring on national television and then a few months later coming back on TV and saying “oops, I made a mistake; I should have picked the other girl”. That’s romantic? Cause it sounds totally douchey to me. Not that the first girl was all that broken up about it since she parlayed her dumping into numerous other TV gigs and has already married someone else . Wow, dreams really do come true.

So anyhow, I was hoping since I’m swearing off all Bachelor related programming that my time in hell with Jake and Vienna was over. But nooooo…..ABC had to throw a wrench in my plans by announcing at the end of the show that Jake will be the eleventh “celebrity” contestant on the new Dancing with the Stars. Now, I know you’re thinking, well, do you HAVE to watch DWTS? And the answer of course is, yes, because one of the other ten contestants is Shannon Doherty and you know I can’t say no to Brenda Walsh. Despite her horrible teeth and vicious personality, she is one of my best friends.

Actually, now that I think about it, would a real BFF want me to continue to endure the pain and horror that reality TV inflicts on me? I think not. It’s time I pulled a Kelly Taylor and chose me. Goodbye reality TV. The rest of you will have to endure watching Jake, who will undoubtedly dance to “On the Wings of Love” while Vienna sits adoringly in the audience wiping wing sauce off her chin and giving dirty looks to all the other girls, by yourself.

I know many of you think I can’t swear off reality TV entirely, but you’re wrong. You see as much as I love cheesy TV, I hate being a party to the advancement of people I don’t like. And I don’t like people like Kate Gosselin or Donald Trump. I don’t like the cast of Jersey Shore. And I really don’t like Hooters – the wings are horrible.

And I’ve realized that by watching these crappy shows when I could be reading or talking on the phone or making out with Bobby, I’m helping these talentless losers stay famous. And I’m helping them get swag and free trips to St Lucia! There is no way I can be a party to that.
So, I’ll stick to scripted television and get my dancing fix by watching Brenda shimmy with Kelly, Donna and Emily Valentine on SOAPnet. Clearly, she’ll be walking home with that disco ball trophy. Too bad I won’t be watching.