A Poodle Looks at Forty

I’m writing this on the big birthday. Yes, I’m sad to admit that as hard as I tried, even the biggest blizzard in Maryland history couldn’t stop the hands of time. Today I am 40. If I’m lucky enough to make it to 80, my life is still half over. Crap.

So here, on my fortieth birthday, is a list of some of the things I’ve enjoyed most in the last four decades.

Donny & Marie – I couldn’t hate them more now, but back in the 70’s, I loved me some Osmonds. Loved their variety show. Loved my dolls with their light up stage and Donnie’s purple socks. Loved seeing them in concert at the Capital Center. Loved it all.

Ocean City Maryland – Yes, I know it’s cheesy. And I know when we got into our twenties everyone else started to prefer Dewey. And then when we got into our thirties, everyone else wanted to go to Bethany or Rehobeth. But not me. I love myself all the tacky nostalgia that is Ocean City.

Chips and Salsa – Mexican food wasn’t even invented in Maryland until like 1980 but once the secret was out, I was hooked. There was a period in the early 90’s where chips and salsa was the mainstay of my diet. If I didn’t have kids who needed to be fed a healthy dinner, it probably still would be. And there is no salsa on earth better than Sandy Infante’s. When she finally takes my advice and starts selling that stuff, it will fly off the shelves like some kind of Mexican crack.

Hair Crimpers – Way before everyone on earth except Bindi Irwin realized that there is nothing more damaging to your hair than a crimper, I rocked crimped hair like nobody’s business. And it looked awesome. If it comes back, I will risk baldness to rock it again.

The Rocky Franchise – I used to sit in front of the tv with a tape recorder and tape Rocky’s monologues so I could memorize them. I was so glad when Adrienne started to get less homely. I cried my eyes out when Mickey and then Apollo died. I really believed that his fight with Ivan Drago might end the cold war. Everything else you’ve ever done, Sylvester Stallone, may have been wrong, but Rocky was genius.

Whales – I like to save things. And the first thing I ever wanted to save was whales. I even wrote a song about it. To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”. It went like this: Whales we have seen afloat/Swiftly swimming through the seas/Russian, American, Japanese/Come and kill them all – like fleas!/Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave THE WHALES.

Hard Shell Crabs – I worked in two different all you can eat crab restaurants and once taught 75 Russian exchange students how to pick crabs. And I’ll tell something, if you haven’t spent a day, just sitting outside picking crabs, drinking beer and making fun of your friends ,then you haven’t lived.

Slim Jims – You couldn’t pay me to eat one now but there was a time when the Tabasco Slim Jim was one of my meals of choice.

My mustang – I’m not a car lover but I loved that car. Like Vanilla Ice, when I was driving in my 5.0, I’d put the rag top down so my hair could blow. And because with the rag top down and no seat belt laws, I could fit 8 – 10 people in that car. Good times.

ET – Turn on your heartlight, little guy. I’ll be right here.

Crazy Hijinks – There is pretty much nothing I love more than crazy hiijinks. I love to tell stories and if you don’t engage in the occasional crazy hiijinks, your stories are going to stink. The cast of characters who’ve engaged in crazy hiijinks with me is too long to list but if you’re reading this and you know who you are, feel free to share some of our hiijinks on this blog.

Beer – Sounds sort of lame, I know, but I love beer. Love it. When I was younger, I loved many drinks. But as I grew up, my love of wine coolers, zima, jack & coke, and shots of any kind all faded. My love of beer just grew stronger. Nothing relaxes me more than opening a cold beer after a long day. Or at lunch. Or whenever.

Being Irish – Way before anyone had ever heard of Michael Flatley, the so-called Lord of the Dance, I was irish dancing in a barn in Arnold, Maryland. Taught by a husband and wife team, complete with brogues and backstories (she was a former nun, he was a former priest), I was Irish before Irish was cool. Or before anyone else knew how cool it was. By the way, as an aside, my favorite thing about the former priest who taught me to dance was that when he’d get drunk, which I’m sure you’ve guessed was often, he would sometimes tell “best confession stories”. Think about that next time you’re heading into to the confessional.

Lionel Richie – I love that he adopted Nicole. I love it when that blind lady makes that weird sculpture of his face. And I really love it when everyone I meet is jamming in the street all night long.

Lita Ford’s Kiss Me Deadly – “I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight, uh-huh. It ain’t no big thing.” Classic. And still awesome today.

Field of Dreams – I don’t even know where to start with this. No movie has ever made me feel the way this movie did. And it’s such a boy movie, but I love sports movies and I love my dad. And if you love either there’s no way this movie won’t touch you. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry because you’re obviously dead inside.

Theme songs – I love theme songs. Movie theme songs like Rocky III’s “Eye of the Tiger” or The Karate Kid’s “You’re the Best”. TV theme songs like The OC’s “California” or the Beverly Hills 90210 theme song which always makes me want to fist pump someone. Event theme songs, like Monday Night Football’s “Are you ready for some football?”. Theme songs take something that is already awesome up a notch and that’s why they rock.

Jack Wagner – Loved him as Frisco Jones. Loved him as Dr Peter Burns. Loved him in every lifetime movie and on that short lived Spelling series, Titans, with Yasmine Bleeth and Jasper Jax. You can have John Stamos and Rick Springfield (although I do kind of love him, too). My heart will always belong to the Wagman.

Dance Thumper– A drinking game that combines the fun of cheesy dancing with the challenge of classic thumper. Created in NYC in the summer of 2004, everyone loves dance thumper. If you don’t love it, it’s only because you suck.

Jay McInerney – My second favorite author only because he’s not as cuddly as Dominick Dunne (RIP). Pretentious? Sure. Brilliant? Definitely. Reading his books made me feel like I’d lived in 1980s New York instead of 1980s Davidsonville. You know how people make those lists about who they’d love to have at a dinner party? McInerney would be at mine.

Crank Calls – Before cell phones and caller ID, there was this awesome thing called crank calling. Oh, how I miss it. I loved crank calling. And I had friends who were great at it. To this day, it’s something I really miss. If it were still possible, I have a whole slew of potential victims in mind.

As far as things I’ve loved, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But when you get down to it, it’s not the things, it’s the people who have really made my 40 years. And in that department, I’ve been surprisingly lucky.

I was fortunate enough to make real friendships before I reached the age of ten. And those people are still in my life. So are the friends I made in my tweens. And my teens. And my twenties. And the new friends I made in my thirties are some of the best friends of all.

So here are I am at forty, surrounded by a lifetime of really awesome, interesting people, the best of whom, are the three dudes I live with today. And suddenly, being forty and stuck in a seemingly never ending blizzard doesn’t seem so bad after all. Happy Birthday to me!