Celebrity gossip website, The Frisky, put out a list last week of 14 celebs who are jerks in person. The list was based on the personal experiences of journalists who work on the site. Naturally, a list like this intrigued me.
Some of the names were what you would expect. Jennifer Lopez is a bitch? Not exactly shocking news. Bill Cosby is condescending? I was pretty sure of that already. Danny Glover is a jerk? Bobby’s been hankering to get in a fist fight with that guy for years. Constantine Maroulis from American Idol is a douche? I believe it. In fact, I’m pretty sure all the American Idols who got their fifteen minutes and then missed out on Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood style fame and instead got stuck doing things like playing the Teen Angel in Broadway’s latest rival of Grease (yes, I’m talking to you Taylor Hicks) are probably pretty angry and obnoxious.
So the list seemed pretty real and I believe that the journalists who had problems with the celebs really did get a hard time from them. Living that kind of entitled lifestyle probably makes even the nicest person act like an ass once in a while. That said, I was sad to hear that Ludacris is a dick and I hope it was just an off day for him. I appreciated that he always warned everyone to watch out for his medallion cause his diamonds were reckless and I felt empathy for the pain that he must have endured when it felt like a midget was hanging from his necklace.
I also really hope Nicole Ritchie isn’t a total bitch. I’ve always really liked her and thought she seemed sort of real for someone living a life that is so unreal to most of us.
There are two celebrities on the list of dicks who I have actually run into in real life.
Henry Rollins sat next to me and Bobby in the Rio Grande in Bethesda years ago. We didn’t talk to him but we shared the same really crappy waiter and we giggled watching how mad Rollins got when he constantly had to wait what seemed like hours for his ice tea refills. He was performing that night in DC and we considered trying to get tickets just to see if he came out on stage and said “This song is about the really horrible service I had at the Rio Grande today. It’s called ‘Asshole, I’m thirsty, bring me my fucking ice tea!’”. I don’t think being thirsty and anxious for a beverage refill while eating spicy food makes you a jerk. It was actually kind of funny. So I’m going to reserve my judgment on Henry. Under the gruff exterior, I think he’s probably a really good guy.
I have heard stories before about John Cusack being a real life dick and I’ve always ignored them because the time I met Cusack, I did everything possible to make him act like a dick and he never did. It was the summer of 1991; I was fresh off major pancreas surgery and looking good. My friend Nancy and I went out for drinks at RJ Bentley’s in College Park, MD. Since it was summer, we weren’t expecting a crowd and had just gone there because her dad was part owner and we were poor. All of a sudden, I see this guy across the bar that looks totally familiar to me and Nancy. I am sure we know him but I can’t place him which I attribute to how drunk I am.
So I walk up to the guy and say “I’m Molly and I know we know each other – did you go to St Mary’s?” The guy laughs and says no. I’m like “well, are you from Annapolis?” Again, he laughs. I am relentless and ask his name. He says “John”. I’m all like “John. Hmmm. I know a lot of Johns. What’s your last name?” He smiles and says “Cusack”. Nancy is about to pee her pants. I am still clueless. “Cusack. That sounds so familiar. John Cusack. I know I know you. Holy Shit – YOU’RE JOHN CUSACK”.
At this point Cusack (who is way taller and broader than I expected) and his friend try to quiet us down and tell us that they’re trying to keep a low profile (Cusack has a beard) so could we please keep quiet about them being there. We’re like, oh sure, and I have a whole conversation with Cusack where I can’t remember anything he’s been in but I blurt out “I loved your sister Joan in Working Girl!” I could not have been more of a tool. Good thing that pancreas surgery had helped me lose 15 pounds from everything but my chest or I’m sure he would have walked away.
Anyhow, I decide that I have to buy him a drink but before I buy it, I want to see his driver’s license so I can make sure I’m not “buying a drink for some John Cusack impersonator”. Yes, I carded Lloyd Dobler. And yes, he was legit. When I get up to the bar there is a line and no one is letting me cut so I just shout out “Excuse me, but I’m trying to buy a beer for JOHN CUSACK and he’s right over there!” Everyone stops to look at Cusack who grabs his friend, says good bye to Nancy and bolts. Hours later when Nancy and I stumbled out and walked past The Vous, Cusack and his friend were in there drinking. The friend yelled “there’s the girls who chased us out of Bentleys” or something like that. We just kept going.
My point in telling you this whole long John Cusack story is that any celebrity who could be that nice to someone as drunk and stupid as I was that night, cannot be a total douche. No matter how many times I hear that Cusack isn’t nice, I will just keep assuming that like all of us, he has had some bad days and on his good days, he’s the guy we all want him to be. His former BFF Jeremy Piven, however, I think may be a real live douche. But that’s just speculation.
The thing about deciding who is a jerk and who is an angel is that it’s pretty subjective. Everyone gets grumpy. Maybe you had to interview someone on the day his dog died or he stubbed his toe really bad or he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Some days I wake up feeling like being a bitch and I have to fight it to be nice because when you spend all your time with small children being a bitch doesn’t really cut it. Some days are harder than others for everyone. I’m sure if I became famous there would be people lined up wanting to tell you what a jerk I am. And those people would be wrong about me. I hope some of the people who had bad experiences with Rollins and Luda and Ritchie were wrong, too. And until it’s proven otherwise, I’m staying objective.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Things that make me say "Hmmm?"
There are a lot of things in this world that I question.
Why is it that “only the good die young” and really super crappy people live forever?
Why do people who would make great parents sometimes have a hard time getting pregnant but homeless crack whores can have like 17 babies?
And speaking of pregnancy, why would any teenage girl participate in a “pregnancy pact”? I watched the Lifetime movie about that news story hoping for some insight (why I thought a channel that repeatedly airs Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei was going to give me any kind of insight, I have no idea) and walked away feeling more confused than ever.
So anyhow, my point is, I question things. A lot. And lately there have been two things that have really been bugging me.
The first is “why are TV talk show hosts so unprepared”?
I ask this because in the last two weeks I have seen Channing Tatum, star of the current hit tearjerker, Dear John, interviewed twice. First by Hoda and Kathie Lee during the fourth hour of the Today Show (don’t hate me for watching them, I was waiting for snow updates during the blizzard) and then by Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately.
I am not a fan of Kathie Lee, even though she is from Bowie, but Hoda is supposed to be somewhat of a journalist, right? So how come neither of them bothered to read the bio that I am sure Tatum’s people supplied them with that mentioned that he met his wife, Jenna Dewan, while filming Step Up, a dance movie they starred in together? If they had, Tatum, and all us watching, would have been spared the uncomfortable moment when they asked “so, you’re married – what does your wife do?…..oh, she’s an actress, too. Have you ever worked together?…..or that’s how you met?……wow, you’re almost as hot as Frank Gifford”. So embarrassing for everyone involved.
And then days later the same thing happens on Chelsea Lately. And I like Chelsea. But come on, you didn’t have time to get Chuy to read Tatum’s bio to you so you wouldn’t look like an ass? I expect more of you, Chelsea!
And how do you think poor, Jenna Dewan, feels? I’ve never been handed a bio on Channing Tatum or Jenna Dewan, and I’ve never seen a movie with either one of them, but I can tell you off the top of my head that besides Step Up, he starred in the GI Joe movie, Stop Loss (which was the movie where Ryan Phillippe met the girl he cheated on Reese with) and She’s the Man starring Amanda Bynes (which unfortunately, I do actually have to admit to watching on cable more than once). And although I’ve never seen a Jenna Dewan movie, I have enjoyed her guest starring role on the new Melrose as the hot producer who is going to try to get Jonah’s movie made. And I also recall rumors about her meeting Justin Timberlake on a music video set and dating him after he and Britney broke up back in the “Cry me a River” days. So with no help from Tatum’s PR team or my own staff of PAs, and no research on my own, I already know more about Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan that Hoda, Kathie Lee or Chelsea. How are these people on TV and I’m stuck writing a blog that I don’t even get paid for? It’s the same infuriation that I feel when newscasters (especially in sports and entertainment) mispronounce the names of the people they’re reporting about. It’s not that hard to do your homework people.
If my job was to do research on people this hot, I would not only do it; I would enjoy it
The other thing that’s really making me question the universe right now is the new Boost Mobile commercial with the Chicago Bears Shuffling Crew.
Are you kidding me? I LOVED the Super Bowl Shuffle back in 1985. LOVE IT. I even read Jim McMahon’s autobiography because I loved the “punky QB known as McMahon”. For no real reason I still sometimes belt out “You’re looking at the fridge, I’m the rookie, I may be large but I’m no dumb cookie”. And then I saw this piece of crap commercial and all I could think was “WHY???” It’s so awful. They’re all old and still in their football uniforms. And Mike Ditka is some kind of DJ or mixer? I don’t even understand the commercial. All I know is when McMahon sings “My name’s McMahon and I’ll tell ya what’s wrong, my tight end in a cheetah print thong” and then they cut to Ditka who gives a thumbs up and says “that’s fresh”; I die a slow death of embarrassment for ever associating myself with the Super Bowl Shuffle. Thank God, Walter Peyton is no longer around because I couldn’t take seeing Sweetness participate in something so humiliating.
There are other things that get to me. New things and people shock and appall me on daily basis. Hopefully, the world will get smarter so I can stop judging it. Being above it all gets exhausting.
Why is it that “only the good die young” and really super crappy people live forever?
Why do people who would make great parents sometimes have a hard time getting pregnant but homeless crack whores can have like 17 babies?
And speaking of pregnancy, why would any teenage girl participate in a “pregnancy pact”? I watched the Lifetime movie about that news story hoping for some insight (why I thought a channel that repeatedly airs Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei was going to give me any kind of insight, I have no idea) and walked away feeling more confused than ever.
So anyhow, my point is, I question things. A lot. And lately there have been two things that have really been bugging me.
The first is “why are TV talk show hosts so unprepared”?
I ask this because in the last two weeks I have seen Channing Tatum, star of the current hit tearjerker, Dear John, interviewed twice. First by Hoda and Kathie Lee during the fourth hour of the Today Show (don’t hate me for watching them, I was waiting for snow updates during the blizzard) and then by Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately.
I am not a fan of Kathie Lee, even though she is from Bowie, but Hoda is supposed to be somewhat of a journalist, right? So how come neither of them bothered to read the bio that I am sure Tatum’s people supplied them with that mentioned that he met his wife, Jenna Dewan, while filming Step Up, a dance movie they starred in together? If they had, Tatum, and all us watching, would have been spared the uncomfortable moment when they asked “so, you’re married – what does your wife do?…..oh, she’s an actress, too. Have you ever worked together?…..or that’s how you met?……wow, you’re almost as hot as Frank Gifford”. So embarrassing for everyone involved.
And then days later the same thing happens on Chelsea Lately. And I like Chelsea. But come on, you didn’t have time to get Chuy to read Tatum’s bio to you so you wouldn’t look like an ass? I expect more of you, Chelsea!
And how do you think poor, Jenna Dewan, feels? I’ve never been handed a bio on Channing Tatum or Jenna Dewan, and I’ve never seen a movie with either one of them, but I can tell you off the top of my head that besides Step Up, he starred in the GI Joe movie, Stop Loss (which was the movie where Ryan Phillippe met the girl he cheated on Reese with) and She’s the Man starring Amanda Bynes (which unfortunately, I do actually have to admit to watching on cable more than once). And although I’ve never seen a Jenna Dewan movie, I have enjoyed her guest starring role on the new Melrose as the hot producer who is going to try to get Jonah’s movie made. And I also recall rumors about her meeting Justin Timberlake on a music video set and dating him after he and Britney broke up back in the “Cry me a River” days. So with no help from Tatum’s PR team or my own staff of PAs, and no research on my own, I already know more about Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan that Hoda, Kathie Lee or Chelsea. How are these people on TV and I’m stuck writing a blog that I don’t even get paid for? It’s the same infuriation that I feel when newscasters (especially in sports and entertainment) mispronounce the names of the people they’re reporting about. It’s not that hard to do your homework people.
If my job was to do research on people this hot, I would not only do it; I would enjoy it
The other thing that’s really making me question the universe right now is the new Boost Mobile commercial with the Chicago Bears Shuffling Crew.
Are you kidding me? I LOVED the Super Bowl Shuffle back in 1985. LOVE IT. I even read Jim McMahon’s autobiography because I loved the “punky QB known as McMahon”. For no real reason I still sometimes belt out “You’re looking at the fridge, I’m the rookie, I may be large but I’m no dumb cookie”. And then I saw this piece of crap commercial and all I could think was “WHY???” It’s so awful. They’re all old and still in their football uniforms. And Mike Ditka is some kind of DJ or mixer? I don’t even understand the commercial. All I know is when McMahon sings “My name’s McMahon and I’ll tell ya what’s wrong, my tight end in a cheetah print thong” and then they cut to Ditka who gives a thumbs up and says “that’s fresh”; I die a slow death of embarrassment for ever associating myself with the Super Bowl Shuffle. Thank God, Walter Peyton is no longer around because I couldn’t take seeing Sweetness participate in something so humiliating.
There are other things that get to me. New things and people shock and appall me on daily basis. Hopefully, the world will get smarter so I can stop judging it. Being above it all gets exhausting.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A Poodle Looks at Forty
I’m writing this on the big birthday. Yes, I’m sad to admit that as hard as I tried, even the biggest blizzard in Maryland history couldn’t stop the hands of time. Today I am 40. If I’m lucky enough to make it to 80, my life is still half over. Crap.
So here, on my fortieth birthday, is a list of some of the things I’ve enjoyed most in the last four decades.
Donny & Marie – I couldn’t hate them more now, but back in the 70’s, I loved me some Osmonds. Loved their variety show. Loved my dolls with their light up stage and Donnie’s purple socks. Loved seeing them in concert at the Capital Center. Loved it all.
Ocean City Maryland – Yes, I know it’s cheesy. And I know when we got into our twenties everyone else started to prefer Dewey. And then when we got into our thirties, everyone else wanted to go to Bethany or Rehobeth. But not me. I love myself all the tacky nostalgia that is Ocean City.
Chips and Salsa – Mexican food wasn’t even invented in Maryland until like 1980 but once the secret was out, I was hooked. There was a period in the early 90’s where chips and salsa was the mainstay of my diet. If I didn’t have kids who needed to be fed a healthy dinner, it probably still would be. And there is no salsa on earth better than Sandy Infante’s. When she finally takes my advice and starts selling that stuff, it will fly off the shelves like some kind of Mexican crack.
Hair Crimpers – Way before everyone on earth except Bindi Irwin realized that there is nothing more damaging to your hair than a crimper, I rocked crimped hair like nobody’s business. And it looked awesome. If it comes back, I will risk baldness to rock it again.
The Rocky Franchise – I used to sit in front of the tv with a tape recorder and tape Rocky’s monologues so I could memorize them. I was so glad when Adrienne started to get less homely. I cried my eyes out when Mickey and then Apollo died. I really believed that his fight with Ivan Drago might end the cold war. Everything else you’ve ever done, Sylvester Stallone, may have been wrong, but Rocky was genius.
Whales – I like to save things. And the first thing I ever wanted to save was whales. I even wrote a song about it. To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”. It went like this: Whales we have seen afloat/Swiftly swimming through the seas/Russian, American, Japanese/Come and kill them all – like fleas!/Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave THE WHALES.
Hard Shell Crabs – I worked in two different all you can eat crab restaurants and once taught 75 Russian exchange students how to pick crabs. And I’ll tell something, if you haven’t spent a day, just sitting outside picking crabs, drinking beer and making fun of your friends ,then you haven’t lived.
Slim Jims – You couldn’t pay me to eat one now but there was a time when the Tabasco Slim Jim was one of my meals of choice.
My mustang – I’m not a car lover but I loved that car. Like Vanilla Ice, when I was driving in my 5.0, I’d put the rag top down so my hair could blow. And because with the rag top down and no seat belt laws, I could fit 8 – 10 people in that car. Good times.
ET – Turn on your heartlight, little guy. I’ll be right here.
Crazy Hijinks – There is pretty much nothing I love more than crazy hiijinks. I love to tell stories and if you don’t engage in the occasional crazy hiijinks, your stories are going to stink. The cast of characters who’ve engaged in crazy hiijinks with me is too long to list but if you’re reading this and you know who you are, feel free to share some of our hiijinks on this blog.
Beer – Sounds sort of lame, I know, but I love beer. Love it. When I was younger, I loved many drinks. But as I grew up, my love of wine coolers, zima, jack & coke, and shots of any kind all faded. My love of beer just grew stronger. Nothing relaxes me more than opening a cold beer after a long day. Or at lunch. Or whenever.
Being Irish – Way before anyone had ever heard of Michael Flatley, the so-called Lord of the Dance, I was irish dancing in a barn in Arnold, Maryland. Taught by a husband and wife team, complete with brogues and backstories (she was a former nun, he was a former priest), I was Irish before Irish was cool. Or before anyone else knew how cool it was. By the way, as an aside, my favorite thing about the former priest who taught me to dance was that when he’d get drunk, which I’m sure you’ve guessed was often, he would sometimes tell “best confession stories”. Think about that next time you’re heading into to the confessional.
Lionel Richie – I love that he adopted Nicole. I love it when that blind lady makes that weird sculpture of his face. And I really love it when everyone I meet is jamming in the street all night long.
Lita Ford’s Kiss Me Deadly – “I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight, uh-huh. It ain’t no big thing.” Classic. And still awesome today.
Field of Dreams – I don’t even know where to start with this. No movie has ever made me feel the way this movie did. And it’s such a boy movie, but I love sports movies and I love my dad. And if you love either there’s no way this movie won’t touch you. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry because you’re obviously dead inside.
Theme songs – I love theme songs. Movie theme songs like Rocky III’s “Eye of the Tiger” or The Karate Kid’s “You’re the Best”. TV theme songs like The OC’s “California” or the Beverly Hills 90210 theme song which always makes me want to fist pump someone. Event theme songs, like Monday Night Football’s “Are you ready for some football?”. Theme songs take something that is already awesome up a notch and that’s why they rock.
Jack Wagner – Loved him as Frisco Jones. Loved him as Dr Peter Burns. Loved him in every lifetime movie and on that short lived Spelling series, Titans, with Yasmine Bleeth and Jasper Jax. You can have John Stamos and Rick Springfield (although I do kind of love him, too). My heart will always belong to the Wagman.
Dance Thumper– A drinking game that combines the fun of cheesy dancing with the challenge of classic thumper. Created in NYC in the summer of 2004, everyone loves dance thumper. If you don’t love it, it’s only because you suck.
Jay McInerney – My second favorite author only because he’s not as cuddly as Dominick Dunne (RIP). Pretentious? Sure. Brilliant? Definitely. Reading his books made me feel like I’d lived in 1980s New York instead of 1980s Davidsonville. You know how people make those lists about who they’d love to have at a dinner party? McInerney would be at mine.
Crank Calls – Before cell phones and caller ID, there was this awesome thing called crank calling. Oh, how I miss it. I loved crank calling. And I had friends who were great at it. To this day, it’s something I really miss. If it were still possible, I have a whole slew of potential victims in mind.
As far as things I’ve loved, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But when you get down to it, it’s not the things, it’s the people who have really made my 40 years. And in that department, I’ve been surprisingly lucky.
I was fortunate enough to make real friendships before I reached the age of ten. And those people are still in my life. So are the friends I made in my tweens. And my teens. And my twenties. And the new friends I made in my thirties are some of the best friends of all.
So here are I am at forty, surrounded by a lifetime of really awesome, interesting people, the best of whom, are the three dudes I live with today. And suddenly, being forty and stuck in a seemingly never ending blizzard doesn’t seem so bad after all. Happy Birthday to me!
So here, on my fortieth birthday, is a list of some of the things I’ve enjoyed most in the last four decades.
Donny & Marie – I couldn’t hate them more now, but back in the 70’s, I loved me some Osmonds. Loved their variety show. Loved my dolls with their light up stage and Donnie’s purple socks. Loved seeing them in concert at the Capital Center. Loved it all.
Ocean City Maryland – Yes, I know it’s cheesy. And I know when we got into our twenties everyone else started to prefer Dewey. And then when we got into our thirties, everyone else wanted to go to Bethany or Rehobeth. But not me. I love myself all the tacky nostalgia that is Ocean City.
Chips and Salsa – Mexican food wasn’t even invented in Maryland until like 1980 but once the secret was out, I was hooked. There was a period in the early 90’s where chips and salsa was the mainstay of my diet. If I didn’t have kids who needed to be fed a healthy dinner, it probably still would be. And there is no salsa on earth better than Sandy Infante’s. When she finally takes my advice and starts selling that stuff, it will fly off the shelves like some kind of Mexican crack.
Hair Crimpers – Way before everyone on earth except Bindi Irwin realized that there is nothing more damaging to your hair than a crimper, I rocked crimped hair like nobody’s business. And it looked awesome. If it comes back, I will risk baldness to rock it again.
The Rocky Franchise – I used to sit in front of the tv with a tape recorder and tape Rocky’s monologues so I could memorize them. I was so glad when Adrienne started to get less homely. I cried my eyes out when Mickey and then Apollo died. I really believed that his fight with Ivan Drago might end the cold war. Everything else you’ve ever done, Sylvester Stallone, may have been wrong, but Rocky was genius.
Whales – I like to save things. And the first thing I ever wanted to save was whales. I even wrote a song about it. To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”. It went like this: Whales we have seen afloat/Swiftly swimming through the seas/Russian, American, Japanese/Come and kill them all – like fleas!/Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave THE WHALES.
Hard Shell Crabs – I worked in two different all you can eat crab restaurants and once taught 75 Russian exchange students how to pick crabs. And I’ll tell something, if you haven’t spent a day, just sitting outside picking crabs, drinking beer and making fun of your friends ,then you haven’t lived.
Slim Jims – You couldn’t pay me to eat one now but there was a time when the Tabasco Slim Jim was one of my meals of choice.
My mustang – I’m not a car lover but I loved that car. Like Vanilla Ice, when I was driving in my 5.0, I’d put the rag top down so my hair could blow. And because with the rag top down and no seat belt laws, I could fit 8 – 10 people in that car. Good times.
ET – Turn on your heartlight, little guy. I’ll be right here.
Crazy Hijinks – There is pretty much nothing I love more than crazy hiijinks. I love to tell stories and if you don’t engage in the occasional crazy hiijinks, your stories are going to stink. The cast of characters who’ve engaged in crazy hiijinks with me is too long to list but if you’re reading this and you know who you are, feel free to share some of our hiijinks on this blog.
Beer – Sounds sort of lame, I know, but I love beer. Love it. When I was younger, I loved many drinks. But as I grew up, my love of wine coolers, zima, jack & coke, and shots of any kind all faded. My love of beer just grew stronger. Nothing relaxes me more than opening a cold beer after a long day. Or at lunch. Or whenever.
Being Irish – Way before anyone had ever heard of Michael Flatley, the so-called Lord of the Dance, I was irish dancing in a barn in Arnold, Maryland. Taught by a husband and wife team, complete with brogues and backstories (she was a former nun, he was a former priest), I was Irish before Irish was cool. Or before anyone else knew how cool it was. By the way, as an aside, my favorite thing about the former priest who taught me to dance was that when he’d get drunk, which I’m sure you’ve guessed was often, he would sometimes tell “best confession stories”. Think about that next time you’re heading into to the confessional.
Lionel Richie – I love that he adopted Nicole. I love it when that blind lady makes that weird sculpture of his face. And I really love it when everyone I meet is jamming in the street all night long.
Lita Ford’s Kiss Me Deadly – “I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight, uh-huh. It ain’t no big thing.” Classic. And still awesome today.
Field of Dreams – I don’t even know where to start with this. No movie has ever made me feel the way this movie did. And it’s such a boy movie, but I love sports movies and I love my dad. And if you love either there’s no way this movie won’t touch you. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry because you’re obviously dead inside.
Theme songs – I love theme songs. Movie theme songs like Rocky III’s “Eye of the Tiger” or The Karate Kid’s “You’re the Best”. TV theme songs like The OC’s “California” or the Beverly Hills 90210 theme song which always makes me want to fist pump someone. Event theme songs, like Monday Night Football’s “Are you ready for some football?”. Theme songs take something that is already awesome up a notch and that’s why they rock.
Jack Wagner – Loved him as Frisco Jones. Loved him as Dr Peter Burns. Loved him in every lifetime movie and on that short lived Spelling series, Titans, with Yasmine Bleeth and Jasper Jax. You can have John Stamos and Rick Springfield (although I do kind of love him, too). My heart will always belong to the Wagman.
Dance Thumper– A drinking game that combines the fun of cheesy dancing with the challenge of classic thumper. Created in NYC in the summer of 2004, everyone loves dance thumper. If you don’t love it, it’s only because you suck.
Jay McInerney – My second favorite author only because he’s not as cuddly as Dominick Dunne (RIP). Pretentious? Sure. Brilliant? Definitely. Reading his books made me feel like I’d lived in 1980s New York instead of 1980s Davidsonville. You know how people make those lists about who they’d love to have at a dinner party? McInerney would be at mine.
Crank Calls – Before cell phones and caller ID, there was this awesome thing called crank calling. Oh, how I miss it. I loved crank calling. And I had friends who were great at it. To this day, it’s something I really miss. If it were still possible, I have a whole slew of potential victims in mind.
As far as things I’ve loved, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But when you get down to it, it’s not the things, it’s the people who have really made my 40 years. And in that department, I’ve been surprisingly lucky.
I was fortunate enough to make real friendships before I reached the age of ten. And those people are still in my life. So are the friends I made in my tweens. And my teens. And my twenties. And the new friends I made in my thirties are some of the best friends of all.
So here are I am at forty, surrounded by a lifetime of really awesome, interesting people, the best of whom, are the three dudes I live with today. And suddenly, being forty and stuck in a seemingly never ending blizzard doesn’t seem so bad after all. Happy Birthday to me!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Enter the Cougar
My friend Denise turned 36 last month. Her husband Paul will turn 35 in March. He was quick to mention at her birthday lunch that until his birthday he is officially 2 years younger than Denise which makes her his cougar. I have a problem with this for a number of reasons.
The biggest of those being that the two months between their birthdays don’t count. She was born in 1974, he was born in 1975, that makes them a year apart and a year’s difference in age does not make a cougar. A cougar needs to be more than ten years older than her prey. Which makes Denise totally a non-cougar and Demi Moore, Queen of the Cougars.
I bring all this up because I was born in 1970 and have a birthday coming up next week that I am not exactly psyched about. I didn’t mind turning 30 but I don’t want to be 40. I just don’t. It’s not me. And I know 40 is the new 30 and Joe Lies wears it well, but not me. I was born to be in my thirties. I excel at it and really it’s where I should stay but time does not agree with me. And it doesn’t help that Bobby is what I consider a year younger than me, but what he loves to point out is really twenty months younger. If he so much as purrs at me like a cougar on my birthday, he’s going down.
Age is a funny thing because it can be a big difference between people one day and the next day the gap closes.
I was telling a story to some friends over the holidays about how when I was a child and my mom would make lunch for my brother and I, we would pretend we were the children – Buffy & Jody – from the TV show Family Affair and we would make my mom be their butler, Mr. French - no matter how much she protested and begged to be their cool teenage sister Cissy.
My friends, the O’Brien twins, looked at each other with confusion because they were too young to get the Family Affair reference. Family Affair aired from 1966 till 1971, and so as someone born in 1970, I enjoyed the program in syndication. My friend James pointed out that he watched it as a first run series which made me feel a little younger. Thanks, James. I knew there was a reason I like you so much.
For my kids, who are both under five, a couple of months difference in age can make you completely incompatible. But I know when they get older; that they’ll have friends who are a year or two older than them and it won’t be a big deal. And then suddenly, when they get into their twenties and beyond, the gap will start to close even more so that they have friends who are six, eight, ten or more years older or younger than them. It’s only when someone makes a cultural reference that everyone doesn’t get that you realize you’re the old goat. That’s when I’m most grateful for my friendship with Joe Lies because as I’ve alluded before, despite his good looks and cool demeanor, he is older than father time.
One of my closest adult friendships started when I was the babysitter for my friend Cece. I’ve known Cece since she was born. Our parents were old family friends and our dads worked together. At lawyer functions, I was often asked to keep an eye on the younger kids and ended up “babysitting” Cece and her siblings. Decades later when the six year age gap between us had closed and we were at happy hour together, Cece admitted to me that she had thought the demin dress I wore to my high school graduation party was awesome and had vowed to her sister that one day she would be cool enough to hang out with me. That demin dress, with padded shoulders and a cut out back no less, was truly hideous. And the idea that some little kid had thought I was cool in it made time stand still for a minute. Those moments happen a lot when the people who are supposed to be younger than you keep getting older.
My friend Pat is a soccer coach and he knows everyone involved in soccer in our area. Because of this, he has friends of all different ages. When you meet Pat out for drinks, sometimes it’s with the dad of a kid you grew up with and sometimes it’s with a kid so young you could have conceived him yourself. When we were in our early twenties, Pat started bringing this underage guy named Dave out with us all the time. It was a real pain because if Dave couldn’t get into a bar everyone had to leave. My friends and I called him “Underage Dave”. He’s thirty-three now and if I saw him on the street tomorrow, I would yell “Hey Underage Dave!” He will never be an “of age Dave” to me.
Joe Lies and I used to work with a girl named Justin. We were in our thirties. Justin was maybe twenty three. And although she was our good pal, sometimes we would have conversations where it seemed we were speaking different languages. I once made a mix tape for some coworkers that included “Overkill” performed by Colin Hay. At happy hour one night, Justin commented to me and Joe that she loved that song and asked who sang it. Colin Hay didn’t ring a bell to her, so I said “you know the lead singer from Men at Work”. Justin smiled and said “OMG! I loved that movie with Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. Is it from the soundtrack?” We tried to explain that, first of all, she should never admit to loving that movie again and second of all, Men at Work was a band in the 80’s, but the gap was too wide. No one could swim it. When I told another friend about Justin’s confusion at a party later that summer, he grabbed her and yelled “Quick! Someone get Justin a vegemite sandwich!” Again, she stared at us blankly. And we loved her for it.
I think surrounding yourself with people of different ages keeps us younger. Our older friends make us feel like maybe we’re not so old after all. And our younger friends remind us why being a little older isn’t such a bad thing. So maybe being a cougar isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a girl after all. Demi seems to be thriving. And my 20 months younger husband is hot in a much more masculine way than Ashton. Could 40 really be the new 30? I’ll let you know.
The biggest of those being that the two months between their birthdays don’t count. She was born in 1974, he was born in 1975, that makes them a year apart and a year’s difference in age does not make a cougar. A cougar needs to be more than ten years older than her prey. Which makes Denise totally a non-cougar and Demi Moore, Queen of the Cougars.
I bring all this up because I was born in 1970 and have a birthday coming up next week that I am not exactly psyched about. I didn’t mind turning 30 but I don’t want to be 40. I just don’t. It’s not me. And I know 40 is the new 30 and Joe Lies wears it well, but not me. I was born to be in my thirties. I excel at it and really it’s where I should stay but time does not agree with me. And it doesn’t help that Bobby is what I consider a year younger than me, but what he loves to point out is really twenty months younger. If he so much as purrs at me like a cougar on my birthday, he’s going down.
Age is a funny thing because it can be a big difference between people one day and the next day the gap closes.
I was telling a story to some friends over the holidays about how when I was a child and my mom would make lunch for my brother and I, we would pretend we were the children – Buffy & Jody – from the TV show Family Affair and we would make my mom be their butler, Mr. French - no matter how much she protested and begged to be their cool teenage sister Cissy.
My friends, the O’Brien twins, looked at each other with confusion because they were too young to get the Family Affair reference. Family Affair aired from 1966 till 1971, and so as someone born in 1970, I enjoyed the program in syndication. My friend James pointed out that he watched it as a first run series which made me feel a little younger. Thanks, James. I knew there was a reason I like you so much.
For my kids, who are both under five, a couple of months difference in age can make you completely incompatible. But I know when they get older; that they’ll have friends who are a year or two older than them and it won’t be a big deal. And then suddenly, when they get into their twenties and beyond, the gap will start to close even more so that they have friends who are six, eight, ten or more years older or younger than them. It’s only when someone makes a cultural reference that everyone doesn’t get that you realize you’re the old goat. That’s when I’m most grateful for my friendship with Joe Lies because as I’ve alluded before, despite his good looks and cool demeanor, he is older than father time.
One of my closest adult friendships started when I was the babysitter for my friend Cece. I’ve known Cece since she was born. Our parents were old family friends and our dads worked together. At lawyer functions, I was often asked to keep an eye on the younger kids and ended up “babysitting” Cece and her siblings. Decades later when the six year age gap between us had closed and we were at happy hour together, Cece admitted to me that she had thought the demin dress I wore to my high school graduation party was awesome and had vowed to her sister that one day she would be cool enough to hang out with me. That demin dress, with padded shoulders and a cut out back no less, was truly hideous. And the idea that some little kid had thought I was cool in it made time stand still for a minute. Those moments happen a lot when the people who are supposed to be younger than you keep getting older.
My friend Pat is a soccer coach and he knows everyone involved in soccer in our area. Because of this, he has friends of all different ages. When you meet Pat out for drinks, sometimes it’s with the dad of a kid you grew up with and sometimes it’s with a kid so young you could have conceived him yourself. When we were in our early twenties, Pat started bringing this underage guy named Dave out with us all the time. It was a real pain because if Dave couldn’t get into a bar everyone had to leave. My friends and I called him “Underage Dave”. He’s thirty-three now and if I saw him on the street tomorrow, I would yell “Hey Underage Dave!” He will never be an “of age Dave” to me.
Joe Lies and I used to work with a girl named Justin. We were in our thirties. Justin was maybe twenty three. And although she was our good pal, sometimes we would have conversations where it seemed we were speaking different languages. I once made a mix tape for some coworkers that included “Overkill” performed by Colin Hay. At happy hour one night, Justin commented to me and Joe that she loved that song and asked who sang it. Colin Hay didn’t ring a bell to her, so I said “you know the lead singer from Men at Work”. Justin smiled and said “OMG! I loved that movie with Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. Is it from the soundtrack?” We tried to explain that, first of all, she should never admit to loving that movie again and second of all, Men at Work was a band in the 80’s, but the gap was too wide. No one could swim it. When I told another friend about Justin’s confusion at a party later that summer, he grabbed her and yelled “Quick! Someone get Justin a vegemite sandwich!” Again, she stared at us blankly. And we loved her for it.
I think surrounding yourself with people of different ages keeps us younger. Our older friends make us feel like maybe we’re not so old after all. And our younger friends remind us why being a little older isn’t such a bad thing. So maybe being a cougar isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a girl after all. Demi seems to be thriving. And my 20 months younger husband is hot in a much more masculine way than Ashton. Could 40 really be the new 30? I’ll let you know.
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