41 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

It came again. Which I guess is a good thing because the alternative is that it doesn’t come and that’s never a good thing. No, I’m not talking about my period, although the appearance of that inconvenience is also a welcome thing to me these days.

It’s my birthday. 41 years of me. And I have to tell you, turning 41 sucks way more than turning 40 does. When you have an “event” birthday like 30 or 40, everyone makes such a big deal about it but really nothing changes. But when you have that less exciting 41st or 42nd or 43rd birthday there’s less to celebrate because you haven’t reached some milestone, you’re just continuing to be “in your 40’s” and that makes me sort of cringe.

The thing is that as a kid I thought 40 was so old. Actually, I thought it sounded pretty old until maybe five years ago when it started getting close! But now that I’m actually “in my 40’s”, I don’t feel any older and I certainly don’t feel any different.

I thought that in my 40’s I’d act “grown up”, but I still act like a giddy middle school girl when one of my friends calls or more than likely these days texts me.

I thought that in my 40’s I’d be sure of myself, but I still worry that people don’t like me. That I’m not cute enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough. Will it ever end?

I thought in my 40’s that I’d be strong enough to insulate myself with just the people I love and who I know love me, but I still obsess about the friends I’ve lost and I still cry when someone hurts my feelings or my friends’ feelings or my kids’ feelings. Damn, I cry a lot.

I thought in my 40’s my kids would be in their 20’s or at least their teens, but they’re not. They’re 5 and 3 and I don’t regret that at all.

I thought in my 40’s that I’d be done with beer and nachos and dance thumper, but I’m not and I hope I’m never done with those things because you know what, they’re fun, although I never realized this in my youth, old people deserve fun, too.

I thought in my 40’s that my kids would have cousins with my bloodline and that we’d all do stuff together. And the fact that it isn’t that way sucks.

I thought in my 40’s I’d be Jay McInerney or Kelly Ripa. I’m neither. Yet.

Being in my 40’s is not what I thought it would be, but nothing ever is, right?

The way I look at aging, it’s not being older that’s hard because, although I may make jokes about it, I really don’t care about my age. For me, it’s more about the fact that in order to reach 41, I’ve had to live through 40 years of all the crap life throws at us. And while there are certainly so many wonderful things I’ve been given, there are also countless days you couldn’t pay me to live through again.

In order to make it into our twilight years, we have to be resilient enough to push through the hard years and enjoy the good ones.

As Bette Davis, of the famous eyes, once said “Old age ain’t no place for sissies”.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but sissy has never been one of them.
So bring on the next the 40-some years. Hell, make it 50, 60 even. Put me on a jar of smuckers. I can take it.