2011 - Bring it on!

I love the start of a new year because it’s so full of potential.

When you’ve had a really shit year like my friend, Nancy, the new year is a fresh start and there is no way it can be anything but superior to the previous year. I can’t wait to see the good stuff that 2011 is going to bring the Knight sisters.

And when you’ve had a great year like my friend Segars, who got engaged to a super hot and brilliant man, it doesn’t seem like anything can trump 2010, except for maybe her wedding in Puerto Rico in February 2011 and the long awaiting production of her soon to be husband’s sure to be mind blowing film. Keep on rocking it, Segs, no one deserves these good times more than you.

For me, 2010 was fine. There were great days and there were crap days. It wasn’t my best year, but it’s not even in contention for my worst. Compared to some of my years, 2010 was definitely good.

Still, I want 2011 to be even better. Not because I plan on being thinner or more successful or wealthier – although I will gladly take any and all of those things if they come my way – but because I just want to be happier more regularly.

You see, I consider myself to be a happy person in general. For the most part, I love my life. My husband is gorgeous and hilarious and a great father. My boys are not exactly angels but their wild ways give me a lot of laughs and their adorable faces force me to cut them more slack then they probably deserve. If you saw them, you wouldn’t blame me. Their cuteness is a weapon of mass destruction. I have great friends – and lots of them, many who I don’t see nearly enough but when I need them I know they’ll be here and that gives me a lot of comfort. I have the “luxury” of being home with my kids and because of the online classes that some days I feel might kill me, I have a plan for what I’ll do when they’re both in school and a plan has always been something that’s very important to me. Like Hannibal on The A Team, I love it when a plan comes together and I must admit, most of mine do.

But despite all these blessings, I find myself happy only maybe 75 to 80% of a year and frankly, I just don’t think that’s enough. So in 2011, I’m going for 90 to 95% happiness. I’d go for 100% but I just think that’s unrealistic because in 365 days there has to be at least a couple where you feel fat or someone lets you down or you lose someone or watch someone you care about lose someone and those days are going to suck. There is nothing we can do about that.

However, I think I can strive to up my happiness by letting go of some of the bullshit I’ve been hanging on to. I have some real unhealthy habits that it’s time to say goodbye to. And there are some good things in my life that I need to make more of a priority. So here, are the changes I’ll be making in 2011.

• I will no longer watch sad movies on purpose. Do you hear that Nicole Kidman and The Rabbit Hole? I will not be seeing you. Ever.

• I will see the friends I don’t see enough. And I will see them for fun, not because someone died. When you get to be 40 and you have two kids and no time, sometimes it seems that the only reunions you have time for in life involve a wake. That is not how it should be. And in 2011 it is not how it’s going to be. Not for me anyhow, so watch out pals I never see. You’re going to be sick of my ass by 2012.

• I will let go of hard feelings. I try to do this every year but, damn, it is hard. In 2011, though, I think I’m going to be like Lauren Conrad…forgive everyone, and then forget them. At least the bad parts, because I’m someone who can remember the good parts of even the people I can’t fully forgive. And I feel lucky for that because there were great parts to a lot of people who aren’t in my life anymore and I will always cherish those. And the bad parts, I’m not someone who can forget them enough to wipe the slate clean, but I think I can forget them enough to think fondly about those people again. At least I’m going to try.

• I’ll win a contest. I really want to win something so if anyone has a challenge, bring it. I’m in. As long as it doesn’t involve winking or whistling cause I can’t do those things.

• I’ll send people surprise gifts or cards. I do this already, but I’m going to do it more cause today I got a surprise gift in the mail from a friend and it was awesome. Mail rocks. Knowing someone is thinking of you rocks. The little things in life rock. And I’m gonna do more of them.

• I will stop denying what I like because someone else doesn’t agree. I adore the movie Love Actually and someone I was close to once told me that my love for this movie made me seem dumber. Seriously? Cause I actually love this movie. And the only thing that has ever made me seem dumb is my boobs which I’ve had reduced so cut me a break, okay? And by the way, how can anyone put down a movie that’s main objective is to show us that if you really look for it, love is all around? A closeted guy who feels guilty about being in a long term monogamous relationship with a woman, that’s who. Damn it, I already fucked up that letting go of grudges thing! I’m taking this one as a mulligan and will restart the no grudges thing on Jan 1, okay?

• I’ll say no to my kids less. I’m sure the idea of that is scary to people who know that I live in a zoo run by two rugrats but those two rugrats aren’t going to be little forever and I don’t want their childhood memories of me to involve someone who constantly said no. I worry about that a lot and I have the stress eczema to prove it. Yes, in case you’re wondering, it’s eczema on my neck - I haven’t been attacked by dogs.

• Speaking of animals, I’ll continue to hate cats and I won’t be sorry for it because, sorry, cats suck.

• I’ll get involved in politics again. My family made fun of me for wanting to save the whales as a small child and it made me want to back off of causes, which I admit, was pretty weak of me. And then I worked at a company for almost 10 years with a bunch of super vocal liberals who did everything short of leaving a horse head in your bed if they thought you disagreed with their politics so I’ve kind of shied away from talking about mine. But in 2011, that’s over. Because I have some things to say that I’ve been holding in since about 1984 and it’s high time they came out. Oh yeah, and if you didn't know it, I'm a Republican and a Catholic. Deal with it.
  
• I’ll keep trying to contact my brothers because one day they’ll remember we’re family. Or at least if they don’t, I won’t have to feel bad about giving up on them cause giving up is not something I do. Not in 2011 or ever.
  
  I don’t know if all of this is going to change 2011. And I’m not even sure if someone who was happy 80% of 2010 should even be complaining. I mean, 80% is pretty good, right? But why can’t I have 95? Why can’t we all? Watch out 2011 because I’m about to James Franco your ass.
  
  Happy New Year!

Guess what you're getting for Christmas

With Christmas a few days away, I know most people are hustling around town to buy gifts and get ready for the big day.

I am not one of those people.

I decided on and purchased all the gifts I’ll be giving weeks ago. I don’t believe in doing things last minute. I like to enjoy Christmas week and I can’t enjoy it if I’m stressed out. With this in mind, I take care of everything in an annoyingly efficient and early time frame and then I sit back and have time to just take it all in.

So, now, with the very rare luxury of time on my hands, I can think about what I would buy people who aren’t on my list if I had the chance. Here’s what I’ve decided:

To the University of Maryland Athletic Department, I would give a good old fashioned spanking to teach them a little something about respect because the way they treated Ralph Friedgen this past weekend is nothing less than disgusting to me. I get it, you want new blood, but the man was just named ACC Coach of the Year and you disrespect him like that? Do you think anyone is going to want to play for a program who treats its own in such a despicable manner? Fear the Turtle? Yeah, fear that he knows nothing about loyalty and is gonna stab you in the back. Shame on you, Testudo.

To Kate Middleton, I would give a plane ticket and an escape plan. You’re smart and beautiful and interesting – why do you want to give up your independence to be a princess? Fairytales are so dark, you know? Nobody lived to regret putting on that tiara more than your fiance’s poor mother. And while William seems like a much nicer guy than his father, his looks are really going to the wayside (isn’t the first word in the fairytale title for prince supposed to be Handsome?) and he comes with a tanker full of baggage. I know most every little girl wants to grow up to be a princess, but you’re a big girl now, Kate, and you can do better.

To Ken Jeong, I would give the word “No”. I love you, Ken, but you’re heading quickly towards the kind of overexposure that makes people not think you’re funny anymore. The pepto-bismol commercial, while I’m sure it paid well, was not your best career move. Slow down. Take some time off. Enjoy being on Community and in the Hangover sequel and stop letting Hollywood shove you down our throats because when you become old news those executives who are pimping you out will drop you like your hot – which is ironic because at that moment you will be so not hot.

To the people who spell Christmas as X-Mas, I would give a firm kick in the ass because while it is your choice whether or not you believe in Jesus, we should all respect one another’s religious beliefs and that means that the most important part of the word is Christ. You cannot simply replace Him with an X. And if you’re Christian and do it, then shame on you – two kicks in the ass!

To Miley Cyrus, I would give foster parents because her real parents have not done her any favors letting her morph from Hannah Montana to Slutty McGee just in time to be old enough to be tried as an adult for future moronic and illegal behavior. Billy Ray if you can’t control her, find someone who can because your achy breaky heart is going to be hurting more than ever when your little girl ends up like that other ex-Disney darling, Lindsay Lohan.

To MTV and US Weekly I would give, I conscious because it’s obvious that neither has one. Between MTV airing Teen Moms and US Weekly putting the “stars” of the show on their cover at least once a month, we now have a bunch of incredibly immature and ignorant young girls purposely getting themselves pregnant so they can audition to be on MTV’s latest hit. Being a parent is so hard. And so is being a teenager. Why – even for 15 minutes of really lame fame – would anyone chose to be both?

To the ‘80’s I would give a huge round of applause because between Hot Tub Time Machine, Glory Daze and the upcoming Take Me Home Tonight, you are having quite a comeback my friend and me and my crimper could not be happier about seeing you.

And to you, my friends who indulge me by reading this blog and letting me use it to continue to claim I’m a freelance writer even though we all know I am a full time butt wiper, I would give a new year where I actually find the time to see each and every one of you in person and tell you how much you mean to me while we get really drunk.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!