Ties don't always bind

Ever wish you could just crawl under a rock and hide?

That’s how the last couple weeks have been for me. And it sucks because when you have little kids you can’t just pull the covers over your head and hide from all the crap that is stinking up your life. You have to get up in the morning and smile and act like everything is great.

And when you have extended family, you have to continually apologize and make excuses and swallow all the acid that’s dished out to you so you can get along because if you don’t get along then you have to explain to your kids why certain people don’t come around.

I grew up in a house where a lot of value wasn’t put on extended family. I had one grandmother who wasn’t interested in even meeting me and my brothers, and another who wanted to smother my mom so much that things always ended badly. I have two Aunts and probably some cousins I’ve never met. And one Uncle who wasn’t ever around enough for me to really get to know, but at least he did give me some great cousins, particularly my Jennifer who for a small part of my life was so important that time and distance have not been able to sever our bond. That’s pretty rare in my family which makes her all the more special.

Anyhow, I always wanted the TV family, where being together actually felt good, not hard. And there was nothing you could ever do that would make those people stop loving you. I’ve spent years fighting for that family and I’m finally starting to accept that it’s probably not going to happen for me. The fact that my brother is getting married next Saturday and I just found out about it yesterday because I asked my dad what he was up to next week sort of sealed the deal for me. I didn’t even know Kevin had a girlfriend. Or even a guy friend. I thought his last friend was Sticky the cat. Apparently, I was wrong. And I guess I’m happy about that because all I want is the best for my family. The best and an occasional email or phone call, maybe a hug. But that is apparently way too much to ask. So I’ll have to just be happy knowing he’s hopefully happy and not much else. It’s kind of a lot to swallow when you’re someone who busts ass to make everyone else happy. It’s kind of a huge blow to your ego when you can’t even win over your own family.

And just when I was at my lowest point, something awesome happened. I got an email from a very old, very close friend asking me to make a “crank call” for her. Back in the day before caller ID and star 69, I was an excellent and fearless crank caller so the request to make the call (which was more sneaky investigation than crank) was definitely one I couldn’t refuse. But it was how the request made me feel that saved the day. All of sudden, someone who’d known me as my original self and all the versions since then, needed help with something and thought of me. Not just because I was once the Bart Simpson or Jimmy Kimmel of Davidsonville, but because she remembered that when asked, I will do anything for the people I love and it felt really good to know that someone out there remembered that.

My favorite author, Jay McInerney, starts his book Last of the Savages with the line “The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families”. Never have I believed it more.