The Wisdom of Zuckerman

While I was cooking dinner tonight, I watched the high school graduation episode of the original 90210. In her valedictorian speech, Andrea Zuckerman says “what we’ve learned about the value of friendship will not be diminished just because we may not end up together. The memories that we have shared will not go away, simply because we do”. Zuckerman, always so wise beyond her years. Or maybe age appropriately wise since she was like 32 when they graduated high school.

Her speech got me thinking about my earlier post on continuity. I talked about how great it is to have people in your life for the long haul because your shared memories help you remember who you were in the beginning and hopefully hang on to some of that person as your life inevitably changes and with it you change as well.

My second child was 6 months old when my friend Pat Noel got married and I hadn’t been away from home overnight with just Bobby in over 3 years. When we got to the Eastern Shore for his wedding, we immediately met my pal Fissy for a drinking lunch which lasted all afternoon and by the time the wedding reception started I was hands down the drunkest person there. Partly because after so much time home with kids, I was sort of like a caged animal. And partly because the majority of the people I knew at the wedding were people I used to party with in my younger days so when I saw them I just went right back to being that person. People kept saying to Bobby “wow, she hasn’t changed at all” and he had to explain that “no, really, she has – she just doesn’t get out much anymore”. Needless to say I had the best time ever and regret nothing. My point is that we all do change – but when you get back together with people who knew you in another form, you return to that form which as long as your past life wasn’t as a serial killer or something is pretty awesome.

When you watch TV as much as I do, there is always this image of what true friendships are like. If me and my very first friend Nancy were TV friends, we’d live in the same neighborhood now and our lives would be completely intertwined. In real life, we see each other a couple times a year if we’re lucky. She’s got two kids and two dogs and is Supermom doing twenty five volunteer jobs at a time and staying in stick thin shape running marathons and climbing mountains on the side. I’ve got the boys and school and still really enjoying sleeping drinking beer, and making out with Bobby more than just about anything. Oh, and there’s that river between Maryland and Virginia that keeps us apart. Yada, yada, yada. We don’t see each other nearly enough but that’s okay because what’s between us withstands time and distance and change. When I do see Nancy, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, it’s always like it was yesterday because she’s a such a big part of who I am. That’s what real friendship is like.

And I’m lucky because I have lots of friendships like that. I rarely see half the people I love. Jobs, kids, distance, there are millions of things that keep us apart. Thank God for email and facebook or I might forget what some of my friends look like. But out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.

Recently I found out that someone I thought was a friend, not a super close friend, but definitely a friend, has been talking smack about me and some other friends. We had all been pals a few years back because we had a commonality – babies the same age. Then those babies got bigger and we didn’t see each other as much. Second kids came along. First kids went to different schools. Life just took us in different directions. But there was certainly no falling out, no hard feelings. At least that’s what I thought. And then I hear through the neighborhood rumor mill that it’s being said my friends and I only want to hang out with parents from our kids’ school and we’re in some sort of cult. Yes, the word cult was actually used. About me. And I don’t even think I was the leader. That’s some serious bullshit, right? I mean, I know Catholic School has been called a lot of things but it’s not a cult. You must have us confused with Scientology. Oh, and I’m friends with plenty of people whose children go to other schools. I’m friends with people who don’t even have children. Or jobs. Or their own apartments. Sure I spend more time with the parents of kids my son is in school with because of carpooling and going to the same events and that’s just life. It’s not some kind of grand plan to leave certain people out. I honestly don’t have the time or energy to devise evil plans these days. Wish I did. Kidding.

The thing is, a lot of people expect too much from friends – and these same people don’t necessarily feel the need to give you what they expect in return. It befuddles me. I mean if you don’t feel like you see me enough, then call me and make plans. Maybe even in a way that would be convenient for me. I have a friend who is always giving me a hard time about not seeing her but she’s never once offered to come the 45 minutes to an hour to visit me. It’s always about when can I drive during rush hour across three counties to catch up. And I apologize again and again cause I don’t want to be the bad friend – but damn it, I’m not a bad friend. And these people are not as good as they think either.

Good friends don’t need to see each other all the time. Sure they want to but they understand about life and scheduling and traffic and kids. And they’re happy with whatever time they get you for. I mentioned my friend Aileen in my earlier post and one of the things I love about her is we really never spend time together. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said we’ve seen each other maybe twice in 20 years. But there’s no pressure, no judging, no complaining about why don’t we ever see each other (partly cause she lives in Tennessee). We just appreciate the connection we’re lucky enough to still have and the fact that texting lets us enjoy it. That’s friendship.

Friends aren’t the people who guilt you into going out when you don’t feel like it. Friends are the people who send you a birthday card in the mail. Friends are the people who you have lunch with a couple times a year and laugh your ass off and then don’t talk for four months and it’s okay. Friends are the people who walk in unexpectantly at your mom’s funeral and make you remember why you loved them in the first place. Friends know your strengths and your limitations and they accept that. And just because friends aren’t living in the apartment across the hall and barging in to eat breakfast with you before work every morning like they do on TV, doesn’t mean they aren’t still part of your everyday. Because as Zuckerman said to the West Beverly High School class of 1993: the memories that we have shared will not go away simply because we do. I wish that all friends were as wise as Andrea Zuckerman. And I’m thankful that so many of mine are. To friends. Together and Apart.