Oh No, You Didn't!

My father in law loves to forward emails.

Jokes. Political stuff. Good luck chains. All of it.

Today, he forwarded one about the new US dollar coins not having “in God we trust” on them and urging people to refuse the coins as change. One of his cronies, who disagreed with him on this issue, wrote back and replied to all “someone needs to take a chill pill”.

Yes, you read that right. Some old guy named Mark thinks Pop Pop needs to take a chill pill.

Naturally, I was outraged by this. I thought about writing him back and letting him know that he can “talk to the hand” or asking him “hey Mark, what’s the dillio?” but then I started picturing this Mark character as Pierce on Community, all old and goofy and desperate to sound cool, and I felt a little sorry for him due to his huge lameness.

So instead of striking back at him in defense of Pop Pop, like I am prone to do, I’d rather teach this Mark, and all the others like him, a little lesson in outdated slang. Here are some pitfalls for you to avoid codgers. Feel free to comment with your own recommendations for slang we should never her used again.

All That ….as in the 1999 teen movie “She’s All That”. The only thing worse is saying someone is “all that and a bag of chips”. If you say that, I’ll have to punch you.

Beotch…if you want to call someone a bitch, at least use the correct pronunciation. And if you’re talking about your friend or girlfriend, then don’t call them a bitch at all. It’s not nice and it makes you look trashy.

Step Off…Dan Cortese saying this to George on Seinfeld was awesome. Anyone else? No.

Don’t go there…seriously, don’t.

You got served….does anyone want to be caught dead using a cut down that was also the title of a movie featuring K-Fed?

Foxy…my friend Sylvia actually used this term recently to describe one of her high school boyfriends to me and two other friends. We let her get away with it because she’s Hungarian. Sylvia and Garth from Wayne's World are the only two people who can still say Foxy, and really, the jury's out on Garth.

Audi 5000…really? Are people actually still saying that? Just leave.

Crib…if you don’t live in a mansion with a bowling alley, 10 car garage, a special closet just for your sneaker collection and fridge full of Cristal then it’s a house. A crib is what a baby sleeps in.

Wassup….if you’re still saying this then you’re probably also still wondering “who let the dogs out?” and really, I pity you.

Ain’t…I don’t care if it makes me sound old and like someone’s mother, there is pretty much nothing you can say that makes you sound like more of a dumb ass than ain’t. Just because you’re a hillbilly doesn’t mean you can’t learn some simple English phrases like “am not”. Worst slang word ever. Makes me cringe when I hear it.

This should get you started, Mark. And until you can figure out what is going to make you sound like a tool to total strangers and what’s not, I suggest learning to use the “reply” button, not the “reply to all” or better yet, keeping your mouth closed and your fingers off the computer. It's for your own good.