What's in the punch?

I stopped watching MTV’s The Real World a few years ago because it was getting a little too ridiculous. Too staged. And honestly, too skanky for me. Plus, I know I’ll learn who the standouts from each cast are sooner or later when they start making regular appearances on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge which, sadly, is a habit I just can’t seem to break.

Last week my not watching The Real World streak ended when The Real World DC finally premiered. Since I’ve lived in the tristate area my whole life, I wanted to see where they would go so I had to tune in. In episode one, they basically just move into the house and then head out for dinner at Buca di Beppo, a chain restaurant with family style Italian food. Are you kidding me? You’re in the nation’s capital and the most exciting place you can think to spend you first night is a chain restaurant? Hopefully, in episode two they’ll head into Virginia, the chain restaurant capital of the world, and hit up The Olive Garden for some all you can eat breadsticks.

So the week one locations were not too impressive. Sure their house rocks but if you’ve ever watched a Real World episode you’ve already been there, done that, on the over the top accomodations.

The only thing left to make the show stand out is the cast. Here’s how that broke down for me.

Andrew is some sort of weird compulsive liar with a big uncensored mouth that he uses mostly for shock value and offending the other roommates with racial or sexual slurs that he thinks he can get away with because he’s so quirky. Oh, and he claims not to be a virgin, but the fact that he has supposedly made it with “several women in the Niagra Falls area” is a dead giveaway.

Ty comes all the way from Baltimore and has a sad back story about being left in an abandoned building as a baby and later adopted when he was five. Do to his rough beginnings he’s an atheist who thinks anyone who believes in God is stupid. I hate people like this. Not the atheist part – we’re all entitled to our own beliefs - the disrespecting and questioning the intelligence of people who choose to have religion in their lives. Believing in God doesn’t make you stupid just like not believing in God doesn’t make you bad. And at the risk sounding like Brit Hume, Ty, maybe the fact that you were found and adopted by people who loved you regardless of bloodlines is proof that there is a God. Or at least that there are people in the world who aren’t assholes. So lighten up.

Emily seems dumb; she believed Andrew when he told her he was a professional cage fighter even though he looks like someone William Zabka would shove in a locker. She grew up in a hard core religious family and now she’s rebelling against that by partying and being promiscuous. That could draw her to Ty who is buff and anti-religion.

Mike thinks he’s bisexual but he’s obviously wrong because there is no such thing as bisexual. Mike is gay. Which is fine, by the way. I have no problem with people being gay. I firmly believe it is not a choice – you are what you are and some of us are straight while others are gay. But no one is bisexual. College girls who make out with their friends are just being extra slutty. And guys who think they’re bi are gay guys who aren’t ready to admit that. I’m not sure why it’s hard to admit because being gay is so much better than being bi. When you pick your team no one gets hurt. When you go back and forth someone always gets hurt. Just ask Ellen and Steve Martin who were both burned by Anne Heche’s supposed bisexuality. Or Melissa Etheridge and Lou Diamond Phillips. Phillips’ wife Julie Cypher left him for Etheridge, had a couple of kids with her thanks to David Crosby’s sperm and then left her for some dude named Matt. My point is, you can’t have it both ways. Be straight. Be gay. But make a choice and stop dicking around, Mike. And if you need someone to man up and make the choice for you, I will. Mike, you’re gay.

Ashley seems bossy, opinionated, difficult to fight with and politically charged. I’ve had problems with real life people like that in the past so I kind of want to punch her.

Callie is the blonde girl version of Babe, Pig in the City – in awe of everything and a little scared. I imagine she’ll say stupid things and cry a lot.

Erika is the “edgy” music chick from Chicago. She’s obviously hoping someone in the industry watches the show and discovers her because she’s already jumped on the keyboard in the house and belted out one of her many original songs.

Josh thinks he’s Lenny Kravitz. I sort of hate Lenny Kravitz. And I hate anyone who tries that hard to be cool. So I think I’ll punch him, too.

And right there is my core problem with The Real World, and most reality shows. I always want to punch the roommates. I used to joke with Bobby about how if I was ever on a reality show, I would be the first one to vote myself off the island because I just couldn’t take being with those people for so long. It’s painful enough to watch on TV. I can not even imagine the unbearable agony of living with them. And I realize I’m part of the problem because by watching and keeping these shows on TV, I am helping to encourage a whole new generation of young people to grow up and become media whores. But I just can’t turn away. They’re in my city. They’re insane. And someone is going to get punched.