It's not that complicated

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to avoid being constantly attacked – blatantly or worse passive aggressively – by people in my life and I’ve finally just decided the only way for me to keep my sanity is just to rise above all the bullshit and be the bigger person once again.

Let me tell you, being the bigger person bites. But since I’m usually the only person willing to take the job, it’s mine. And since being the bigger person means I’m not able to use this forum to gripe about all the issues I have with people I actually know, I’m going to spend today passing judgment on people I don’t know. Ah, I feel better already.

P Diddy – I saw your performance on the Teen Choice Awards (yes, I watched the Teen Choice Awards because I really care about the choices our teens are making) with your new group Diddy Dirty Money and I was, well, confused….and, frankly, bored. Who exactly is in this group besides you? Is it just the two skanky chicks who danced on either side of you or is it that whole like 20 person posse dancing with the three of you? I wasn’t sure. Like I said, very confusing. And why when you are clearly 41 years old did you feel it was cool to dance around in a letterman jacket with what looked like cheerleaders who have aspirations to be porn stars? I get the trashy girls – that’s Video Casting 101 – it’s the jacket that bugged me cause Diddy, it made you look old. And sort of pathetic. Word on the street is you were great in that Get Me To The Greek movie so why not stick with the extended cameos instead of trying to revive your music career as the old man in Danity Kane?

Levi Johnston – Oh, Levi, Levi, Levi. On the one hand I almost feel sorry for you because you are just so stupid. But on the other hand, other really stupid people seem to know right from wrong so what’s your problem? Is being famous for being a humongous douche better than not being famous at all? Maybe that’s a conversation you and Scott Disick should have. I was sure there was no bigger douche in the world than him until I heard about the reality show you’re pedaling that involves you (a guy with no high school diploma and a reputation for being a total sleeze) running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Are you kidding me? Apparently not because when asked about it Levi’s rep, Tank Johnston (yes, that’s a real person’s name) had this to say “People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston. People can question whatever they want. I mean, he's going to keep on doing his thing. He was going to do this, even if this wasn't a reality show." I’m sorry did Tank just compare Levi Johnston to Jesus Christ? Excuse me, while I throw up.

The “It’s Complicated” Option on Facebook – I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but it’s not complicated. You’re married. You’re single. Or you have the option to keep that bit of information private. When you choose to change your status from married to “it’s complicated” you are just asking for people to gossip about you with all your mutual ‘friends’. Is that really what you want? I think “it’s complicated” was set up as an option for the drama filled relationships that the kids on the CW engage in. Not real life adults. No matter how complicated you think it really is, “it’s complicated” is not a valid status for a grown up.

Bachelor Pad – Of course, I didn’t watch it because as you know I gave up on the Bachelor franchise after the plane crash that was Bachelor Jake: On the Wings of Love and just because his engagement to Vienna went down in flames doesn’t mean I will ever waste my time on that nightmare again. And now we have the option of watching all the pathetic fame hungry rejects competing for love and money in the Bachelor Pad. No thank you.

Mel Gibson – Note to all the entertainment news outlets: can we please just let him go away? I think we’re all in agreement that he’s a foul mouthed racist with an anger management problem but enough is enough. Does playing a new gross voicemail message for us everyday do anyone any good? Does E! need to broadcast a special called “Mel Gibson: Sex, Lies and Audiotape”? Can’t we just close the book on this one and let him fade into obscurity? And now his dad is getting all this publicity for bashing the Pope – why does anyone care what Mel Gibson’s dad says? We knew that guy was crazy way before Mel’s true self was revealed so just let him rant and rave at home. My ears hurt from listening to this stuff.

Compared to Diddy and Gibson my real life is looking good. And very uncomplicated. Which is exactly how I like it.

Ties don't always bind

Ever wish you could just crawl under a rock and hide?

That’s how the last couple weeks have been for me. And it sucks because when you have little kids you can’t just pull the covers over your head and hide from all the crap that is stinking up your life. You have to get up in the morning and smile and act like everything is great.

And when you have extended family, you have to continually apologize and make excuses and swallow all the acid that’s dished out to you so you can get along because if you don’t get along then you have to explain to your kids why certain people don’t come around.

I grew up in a house where a lot of value wasn’t put on extended family. I had one grandmother who wasn’t interested in even meeting me and my brothers, and another who wanted to smother my mom so much that things always ended badly. I have two Aunts and probably some cousins I’ve never met. And one Uncle who wasn’t ever around enough for me to really get to know, but at least he did give me some great cousins, particularly my Jennifer who for a small part of my life was so important that time and distance have not been able to sever our bond. That’s pretty rare in my family which makes her all the more special.

Anyhow, I always wanted the TV family, where being together actually felt good, not hard. And there was nothing you could ever do that would make those people stop loving you. I’ve spent years fighting for that family and I’m finally starting to accept that it’s probably not going to happen for me. The fact that my brother is getting married next Saturday and I just found out about it yesterday because I asked my dad what he was up to next week sort of sealed the deal for me. I didn’t even know Kevin had a girlfriend. Or even a guy friend. I thought his last friend was Sticky the cat. Apparently, I was wrong. And I guess I’m happy about that because all I want is the best for my family. The best and an occasional email or phone call, maybe a hug. But that is apparently way too much to ask. So I’ll have to just be happy knowing he’s hopefully happy and not much else. It’s kind of a lot to swallow when you’re someone who busts ass to make everyone else happy. It’s kind of a huge blow to your ego when you can’t even win over your own family.

And just when I was at my lowest point, something awesome happened. I got an email from a very old, very close friend asking me to make a “crank call” for her. Back in the day before caller ID and star 69, I was an excellent and fearless crank caller so the request to make the call (which was more sneaky investigation than crank) was definitely one I couldn’t refuse. But it was how the request made me feel that saved the day. All of sudden, someone who’d known me as my original self and all the versions since then, needed help with something and thought of me. Not just because I was once the Bart Simpson or Jimmy Kimmel of Davidsonville, but because she remembered that when asked, I will do anything for the people I love and it felt really good to know that someone out there remembered that.

My favorite author, Jay McInerney, starts his book Last of the Savages with the line “The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families”. Never have I believed it more.