I nearly LOST you

Last night I stayed up till 11:30pm watching the epic finale of LOST and then stayed awake the rest of the night because I couldn’t sleep afterwards. I have a real problem with watching thought provoking shows before bed because I can’t turn my brain off and fall right to sleep the same way I can after say, Chelsea Handler. That’s why I don’t watch a lot of hospital or police or sad family dramas because they leave me feeling all broken and introspective and then I can’t relax enough to sleep. And I need sleep way more than I need heavy television.

That said, I loved all six years of LOST and I loved the finale. It did leave some unanswered questions and it didn’t end exactly the way I wanted it to, but it gave me closure on the key characters and it made me cry at least seven different times. Since I’m strangely allergic to my own tears, you can imagine how awesome I look today. Thanks, Sayid and Shannon.

The best part about the LOST finale was the moments when the people in the sideways universe would suddenly remember who the others were. All of those moments played out perfect. Especially the ones where we knew one of the people was already dead in the island world. I think anyone who ever watched the show and has a heart had to have loved those moments. But for me they had special meaning.

You see, ever since my mom died in 1997, I’ve secretly been waiting for the great soap opera moment when the beloved presumed dead person turns out to have just been injured and gotten amnesia and spent a few years wandering around some exotic location before accidently showing back up in town, being recognized and having all their memories come rushing back. Like anyone else who has lost someone important in their lives, I want that stupid soap opera scenario more than anything. She doesn’t even need to have amnesia. I’d gladly forgive her for all the grief, if it would just turn out that like Dylan McKay’s dad she had to fake her tragic death so she could enter the witness protection plan after turning states evidence.

How awesome would it be to bump into people you thought you had lost forever and suddenly remember every wonderful moment you had with them? How amazing would it be to touch someone’s hand and realize you were connected? Of course, I wouldn’t want this to happen in some special parallel universe that had been created so all the people I loved could find me when I’m dead. I’d rather be alive and just “have the touch”.

In that scenario, I’d be able to touch the hand of my brother Kevin and suddenly all his hate would melt away and he’d have immediate full color recollection of the eighteen years we were best friends. I’d touch the hand of my former friend April and suddenly all her insecurities and self righteousness would disappear and she would see a stream of memories of our friendship. And I would touch my friend Kirby and he wouldn’t just remember who I am, he would remember who he is and let that really great guy come back out.

If I had my own version of the “LOST touch” there are so many people I could help, starting with myself. Because like Jack and Hurley, I’m at my best when I’m helping the people I love and when I’m unable to do that I often find myself, well, lost.

Despite what I'm humming, I swear, I'm cool.

I know I’m not alone when I say that one of life’s most frustrating phenomenons is when a song you hate gets stuck in your head and you can’t stop singing it. This happened a lot to those of us who grew up in the ‘80s because there were only like 4 radio stations and they all played the same station approved top 40 playlist over and over again. So if hearing Survivor’s The Search Is Over made your skin crawl, there was no escape.

Today we get these lame songs stuck in our head because a lot of them sound catchy in television commercials and movie trailers. That’s how Train’s Hey Soul Sister got stuck in my head. I haven’t been able to stop singing it for a week and unlike the commercials which just use the music and not the lyrics, I’m stuck singing “Ain’t that Mister Mister on the radio, stereo – the way you move ain’t fair, you know” out loud in the grocery store where other people can make fun of my lameness. When you’re caught singing something lame in front of strangers there’s no time to explain that you really don’t like that song, the damn commercial just got it stuck in your head. And when you try to make excuses to the people who know you, they just bust on you harder so what’s the point, right?

And listen, I have no problem or grudge against Train or their fans. I just happen to think that particular song is incredibly lame and I want to rip out my tongue every time I catch myself singing it. And Train doesn’t care because they are psyched to be on top again after going without a big hit since that song they had about fried chicken and soy lattes in 2001. I hated that one, too. But I did like the song from their first album called “Meet Virginia”. Like all their songs it’s corny and the lyrics don’t make any sense but it’s catchy and I loved the video because it starred Rebecca Gayheart, who played Antonia Marchette, the tragic wife of Dylan McKay on 90210. I still cry every time I see the episode where she dies and he goes back to the house and sobs into her wedding gown. Luke Perry is brilliant.

And speaking of Gayheart, you all know she recently had a baby with Eric Dane, aka McSteamy of “Grey’s Anatomy”, right? Did anyone see the cover shot they gave US Weekly introducing their baby to the world? The baby is wearing more clothing than McSteamy. I never want to hear that guy complain about not being taken seriously as an actor because come on, who poses for a new baby picture wearing no shirt? It’s like, forget how cute my brand new baby is, check out these guns? I can’t even imagine how I would have reacted when Mac was born if at every photo op Bobby had felt the need to rip his shirt off and give some kind of shit eating “how you doing?” grin. Unbelievable.

But back to the subject at hand. Songs that stay with us when we don’t want them to.

Sometimes for me it’s kids songs when I’m trying to interact in grown up world. Trust me, it sucks to go out with your adult friends and not be able to stop singing Miranda Cosgrove’s new hit single “Kissin U”. What do you mean you guys aren't big iCarly fans? Oh, right, we’re not tweens. My bad.

And sometimes it’s adult songs stuck in my head while I’m playing with the kids. Trying to explain to your four year old why Uncle Mills has 99 Problems But The Bitch Ain’t One is never a good idea.

So maybe being caught singing lyrics like “So gangster, I’m so thug; You’re the only one I’m dreaming of” isn’t the worse thing that could happen today. Then maybe again it is.

Clear Eyes...Full Hearts...Can't Lose

Clear Eyes...Full Hearts...Can't Lose. If you don't know what that last line is from, then you my friend, are part of the problem. Friday Night Lights returns to network television on NBC tonight. It is simply one of the best shows on television. It may be the best. All I know is that this is probably its last season unless it gets a groundswell of support and a boat load of new viewers. Why this show isn't enormously successful is beyond me. It has great writing, amazing acting, and is shot with an artistic eye that is missing from most network television. It is funny, dramatic and most importantly, has heart. It's not the "it's a very special episode" kind of heart. It has real heart and it permeates every episode. The stories feel real. The relationships ring true. You find yourself rooting for almost every character, even when they don't deserve it. They show both sides to every argument. You may pull more one way than another, but no one character is all good or all evil. The sign of a good show is when you are upset when it is over. I feel that way after every episode of Friday Night Lights. I'm not alone here. The people that are fans of this show will tell you the same thing. The fact that this show isn't a ratings blockbuster is sad and makes me feel badly for the people not watching. How can they be satisfied watching CSI, NCIS, and any of the thirteen spinoffs of Law and Order. Those shows are the same every single week. You know what's going to happen ten seconds into the show. Why would you watch that instead of something truly original like Friday Night Lights. FNL has stayed on the air for the last two seasons because of a deal between Direct TV and NBC where Direct TV gets to air them first. It is a groundbreaking deal that may save great shows in the future. It also is a testament to how great this show is. I sincerely doubt they would hitch their wagon to something goofy like The New Adventures of Old Christine or House. But Friday Night Lights makes you want to save it. It needs your help. If you haven't been watching, I suggest you start now. The best way to do it would be to rent the first three seasons on NetFlix and DVR this new season. But you, and Friday Night Lights don't have that kind of time. Let me give you a quick run down on the characters without giving too much away. You'll be hooked in no time.

Coach Eric Taylor and Principal Tami Taylor

Without a doubt, the best representation of a married couple on television anywhere. They are great together. Everything about their relationship feels right. Nothing is forced. And, they actually parent their child, Julie Taylor, who can be a handful. Coach Taylor is played by Kyle Chandler and Principal Taylor is played by Connie Britton. The fact that the Emmy voters keep overlooking their performances is a joke. They are fantastic and they are the soul of the show. They not only keep their family in line, but help every character that inhabits their universe. They aren't perfect, but nobody is. I'm sure Chandler and Britton will miss these roles when it's over.

Matt Saracen

He may be the most likable character on television. No one else is even close. Nothing comes easily for Saracen. He's a good kid, but rarely gets a break. He was abandoned by his mother, his father is in Iraq, and he has to take care of his dementia ridden Grandmother. He doesn't let it overwhelm him. He deals with it. He's different than the other guys on the team. Even when the star quarterback goes down, and he has to fill in, it has roadblocks. He does struggle, but always finds a way to win. I don't want to say too much more about him because it gives too much away. Lets just say that he dates the coaches daughter and even the Coach comes around to being ok with this. Trust me, you'll find yourself firmly in Saracen's corner. If you don't, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Tim Riggins

Riggins is an excellent character. He almost never speaks, but somehow attracts every girl in school. The rest of the guys can't believe it. They try use his philosophy when it comes to the opposite sex by asking themselves, "What would Riggins do?" He's not the brightest kid on the block, he drinks too much, and he stole his best friends girlfriend. Not great qualities, but he's always interesting and deep down is a good person. He also plays fullback and it's obvious to me that with his name, it is an homage to Washington Redskins legend, John Riggins.

Landry Clarke

Landry provides the comedy, but not in a ridiculous way. He's Saracen's best friend and provides a running commentary on everybody at Dillon High. He's also the frontman for a Christian Speed Metal Band called Crucifictorious. Landry seems like a regular high school kid. He doesn't come off fake. He has regular problems and deals with them in a funny way. The writers of this show made a major mistake in Season 2 when they tried to grab ratings with a horrendous story arc with Landry. They quickly resolved it, but it almost ruined the show. It was a great save and the acting done by Jesse Plemmons was a big reason they came out of that stupid arc as gracefully as they did. Also, his name is clearly a nod to former Dallas Cowboys Coach Tom Landry.

Tyra Collette

Tall, beautiful and extremely troubled. She is also Riggins' ex, and the object of Landry's undying affection. Her desire to have a better life is one of the continuing story lines and you find yourself rooting for her even as she is sabotaging herself along the way. Her mother is a mess, her sister is a stripper, and she doesn't want to end up like either. The back and forth between Tyra and Landry is great. Her best friend is the coach's daughter, Julie. Befriending Julie is a major key in her life because it puts her in direct contact with Tami. Her relationship with Principal Taylor is one of the most endearing ones on the show. Tami's mentoring is key in Tyra's development as a student and a person.

Buddy Garrity and Lyla Garrity

Father and daughter. Buddy is a little too obsessed with High School Football for a man his age. Actually, for a man of any age. But, he seems so realistic. He provides quite a bit of comedy, but is also the catalyst for a lot of the drama in the show. The show is always better when he is around. Lyla, on the other hand, may be the most annoying character on the show. She's super hot, no denying that, but something about her character is grating. I don't know whether it was when she quit being a cheerleader to become church obsessed, or her constant nagging of Riggins that bugs me the most. Maybe it's everything. I started liking her more in Season 3, but it was a long road.

I could keep going, but you get the point. At least I hope you did. Television can be so enjoyable and an excellent escape. Please don't make the only escapes available garbage like NCIS. We deserve better. Set your DVR's tonight at 8 on NBC. Clear Eyes...Full Hearts...Can't Lose.

Oh No, You Didn't!

My father in law loves to forward emails.

Jokes. Political stuff. Good luck chains. All of it.

Today, he forwarded one about the new US dollar coins not having “in God we trust” on them and urging people to refuse the coins as change. One of his cronies, who disagreed with him on this issue, wrote back and replied to all “someone needs to take a chill pill”.

Yes, you read that right. Some old guy named Mark thinks Pop Pop needs to take a chill pill.

Naturally, I was outraged by this. I thought about writing him back and letting him know that he can “talk to the hand” or asking him “hey Mark, what’s the dillio?” but then I started picturing this Mark character as Pierce on Community, all old and goofy and desperate to sound cool, and I felt a little sorry for him due to his huge lameness.

So instead of striking back at him in defense of Pop Pop, like I am prone to do, I’d rather teach this Mark, and all the others like him, a little lesson in outdated slang. Here are some pitfalls for you to avoid codgers. Feel free to comment with your own recommendations for slang we should never her used again.

All That ….as in the 1999 teen movie “She’s All That”. The only thing worse is saying someone is “all that and a bag of chips”. If you say that, I’ll have to punch you.

Beotch…if you want to call someone a bitch, at least use the correct pronunciation. And if you’re talking about your friend or girlfriend, then don’t call them a bitch at all. It’s not nice and it makes you look trashy.

Step Off…Dan Cortese saying this to George on Seinfeld was awesome. Anyone else? No.

Don’t go there…seriously, don’t.

You got served….does anyone want to be caught dead using a cut down that was also the title of a movie featuring K-Fed?

Foxy…my friend Sylvia actually used this term recently to describe one of her high school boyfriends to me and two other friends. We let her get away with it because she’s Hungarian. Sylvia and Garth from Wayne's World are the only two people who can still say Foxy, and really, the jury's out on Garth.

Audi 5000…really? Are people actually still saying that? Just leave.

Crib…if you don’t live in a mansion with a bowling alley, 10 car garage, a special closet just for your sneaker collection and fridge full of Cristal then it’s a house. A crib is what a baby sleeps in.

Wassup….if you’re still saying this then you’re probably also still wondering “who let the dogs out?” and really, I pity you.

Ain’t…I don’t care if it makes me sound old and like someone’s mother, there is pretty much nothing you can say that makes you sound like more of a dumb ass than ain’t. Just because you’re a hillbilly doesn’t mean you can’t learn some simple English phrases like “am not”. Worst slang word ever. Makes me cringe when I hear it.

This should get you started, Mark. And until you can figure out what is going to make you sound like a tool to total strangers and what’s not, I suggest learning to use the “reply” button, not the “reply to all” or better yet, keeping your mouth closed and your fingers off the computer. It's for your own good.