The Birds

It’s not like I’m a big evil animal hater like Cruella De Vil or something. I mean, a lot of people hate cats, right? That’s totally normal. And I do love myself some dogs but, unfortunately, my allergies don’t afford us a Snow White and all the woodland animals type closeness. I do own a fur coat but it was left to me by my mother who got it before fur became a fashion don’t. I never wear it out but sometimes I let my kids get in it and pretend to be a bear. That’s okay, right?

So anyhow, my point is just because I sort of like people a lot more than pets, doesn’t make me a bad person. I certainly would not wish any harm upon a poor little chipmunk or bunny or 99 Dalmatian puppies.

Birds, however, are another story. I hate birds. They scare the crap out of me. I have always feared them but as I’ve gotten older my fear has intensified. I can’t eat outside in the state of Florida because I spend the whole meal ducking from those winged savages swooping in trying to eat my French fries. I want to punch the people on the beach who bring snacks to feed the Seagulls thus creating a Hitchcock-esque horror scene while I’m trying to get a tan. My hysterical fear of birds has caused friends and family both embarrassment and laughter at my expense. I know it is over the top and ridiculous but I just can’t control it. It’s like Howie Mandel’s fear of germs or Indiana Jones’s hatred of snakes.

Anyhow, I bring this up, because for the last three years spring has meant war for me and birds. You see, my home has a cute little patio that is surrounded by 4 walls, 3 being sides of the house and one being a fence. Back in spring of 2008, the patio had a tree on it and some birds made a nest in the tree. I freaked out and called my father in law to come over and remove the nest because I didn’t want my worst enemies living on my patio. Pop Pop checked the nest, saw that it was empty and got rid of it for us.

The next day, I went out to play on the patio with Mac who was 2 and Charlie who was a baby. As soon as we got outside, birds starting dive bombing us. We raced inside wondering what the hell was going on. Were the birds that mad at us for removing their home? I’m pretty sure my screams were loud enough for someone in California to hear and come up with the script for that awful new movie Furry Vengeance. I apologize profusely for having anything to do with that. Blame the birds or Brendan Fraser or Hollywood Suits, but not me. I’m a victim just like the rest of the movie going public.

Well, it turned out that babies had been born in the empty nest and were hoping around on the ground of my patio because they couldn’t fly yet. So for the two weeks it took them to learn to fly, I had to keep my kids inside or risk them being attacked by the angry extended family of the fledglings living on my patio.

So when spring of 2009 rolled around and I saw birds scouting out my patio looking to make a home, I asked Pop Pop to come over and chop down the tree. I figured, if I didn’t have a tree, then birds wouldn’t want to nest on my hard brick patio. Makes sense, right? Apparently not to the birds, who built a nest on the tree stump right next to my giant air conditioner unit and laid some more eggs. It was a full month before I could use the patio.

This year, I went on the defensive and bought all kinds of bird repellant. Bobby stretched fishing wire across the top of our fence so birds couldn’t land there. I hung two fake hawks up to conjure up fears of predation and scare the birds away. And those stupid birds still did not stay away. They’ve spent the last week, circling our patio at all times of day. We yell, we blow horns, we set up a device that sprays air on them when they come within 4 feet. Nothing. Those birds just don’t care. They want to live on my barren, uncomfortable patio. Bobby, who was a pitcher in college, is now obsessed with taking them out for good by pelting them with balls next time he sees one. But the last thing I need is bad bird karma because my husband went all Glory Days and killed a bird with his fast ball. So it looks like I’m going to have to spend another May off the patio.

Birds 3. McCarthy Culkin 0.
I’ll be waiting for you in 2011, Birds. Next year is mine.

Infected By The Sound

In the last few weeks I've been followed by crazy sounds and images. I'm not sure if they are a problem to the rest of the world, but they are certainly bothering me. My frustrations are all over the map. I don't know how else to express them other than jumping right in. These are in no particular order. I find them all equally ridiculous.

Tea Party People

First off, I'm not talking about their politics. Their platform, while crazy, isn't my gripe. My problem is that they seem so pathetic. I thought it was a large group with all the noise they make, but it turns out it's just pockets of nerds in a field wearing Colonial hats and jean shorts. I didn't even realize they still made jean shorts, but the tea party people have proven me wrong. It's high fashion in their world. I also can't believe their name. Could anything instill less fear than a tea party? They seem to like the name which makes them even goofier. I just wish they would go back to the fringes where they belong. They were more frightening then, and frankly, more interesting.

Bulletproof

Have you heard Bulletproof by La Roux? I don't know what to make of it. On first listen it seems like a song sent from the 80's. A lot of electronics and keyboards. Something about the song made me uneasy, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Later that day, I heard the song again and I almost went into a seizure. There is something about the singers voice that jams me up. It makes me think crazy thoughts. The chorus won't leave your head. It's insidious. It may be what evil sounds like. I think those people that blame music for having the devil in it are looking at the wrong stuff. Ozzy Osbourne and Gwar aren't the problem. It's La Roux. That song could make someone homicidal. It's dangerous. It also made my teeth fall out. That can't be a good thing.

Click this link Bulletproof to hear song. Listen at your own peril.

The Outdoors

The other night I went into work and it was a really nice day. At least three different people asked me if I had gotten a chance to enjoy the outdoors. I don't understand this question for one reason...What is there to do outside? Besides playing a sport or going to a sporting event, I rarely spend time outdoors. There's nothing to do there. I heard that people hike, or take walks, or sunbathe. I don't do any of those things. I find hiking pointless, walks even more pointless, and I have a tremendous fear of the sun. I spend a small fortune every summer on sunscreen just to play golf. One person told me they garden. Good for them, but that doesn't help me. I will never garden. I guess I could eat outside, but then you're inviting bugs to your meal. And when it's hot, I kind of prefer to not sweat or watch others sweat while they eat. That's just a small quirk of mine. I would like to be a person that spends more time outdoors. I sometimes drink beer outside at a tailgate or rooftop bar. Does that count?

Sports Jerseys

This trend has been going on for a while, but it's really starting to make me wonder. Why, when grown men are going to a pro sporting event or to a bar to watch a game, do they wear a replica jersey of a player for the team they are rooting for? I don't understand this at all. I get it when children do it. They idolize these players. I also don't mind it when women wear them because it looks kind of cool on them and it can be hot. Good stuff. But men? It's like they are high school girls wearing their boyfriends jersey. It baffles me. And a lot of guys do this. I don't know how it became acceptable, but I think it looks ridiculous. Luckily, I've never seen a friend of mine do this. That's probably why we are friends. Similar sensibilities. But when I see strangers wearing them, it takes everything I have to not make fun of them. I'm glad I can keep it in check because a lot of these guys are much bigger than I am.

Hot Tub Time Machine

I saw Hot Tub Time Machine the week it came out and loved it. This movie is tons of fun. It doesn't take itself seriously and just lets the audience enjoy. A real rarity in film these days. It's funny and pays homage to a lot of John Cusack movies from the 80's. It's actually nice to see him in something that isn't ultra serious or a crapfest like 2012. It takes Cusack a little time in this movie to get his comedic sea legs back. Don't worry, he finds them, but Rob Corddry and Craig Robinson handle the load until he does. My problem isn't with the movie, it's with the United States of America. How on earth is this not the biggest film of the year? It's hilarious, fun, it has Crispin Glover and a mustachioed William Zabka(he played Johnny Lawrence in the Karate Kid), and a Hot Tub Time Machine. It's awesome. Yet right now Clash of the Titans(132 Million), The Bounty Hunter(60 Million), The Last Song(50 Million), Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married(54 Million), and Alice in Wonderland(324 Million) have made more money than Hot Tub Time Machine(42 Million). It doesn't make sense. What happened to all the people that liked The Hangover? This movie is made for you. Maybe people are scared off by the title, although I think Hot Tub Time Machine might be the greatest title to a movie ever. I think the people of the USA need to get their priorities straight. Stop seeing geek fare like Clash of the Titans and go to a movie with some chops. Hot Tub Time Machine is playing in a theater near you. Do yourself and the United States of America a favor and go see it.

Hopefully things will start to make more sense to me. And when they do, maybe I won't feel the need to mock costumed political activists, Outdoor enthusiasts, Men who wear Jerseys, bad electronica that makes me feel crazy, and people who don't understand the brilliance of Hot Tub Time Machine. I hope that day will come, but I doubt it ever will. I'm sick. I'm infected by the sound.

Suits

Bobby and I are constantly changing what pay channels we subscribe to on Direct TV because we’re never really satisfied with the programming and we can’t resist the new deals they call and offer us. Recently we traded in Showtime for Cinemax & Starz (we always keep HBO because I have some kind of weird loyalty to them) and thanks to the trade this past weekend I discovered Party Down. We watched the whole marathon of the show’s first season in preparation for the premiere of season two this week. The cast on this show is hilarious and while the writing can be hit or miss, it hits a lot more than it misses. So I was pretty psyched at my great find until I did a little internet research on the show (which for those of you who have never seen it is about a actor wannabes who work for a catering company) and found out that after season two which has already been shot, almost all the original characters will be leaving the show.

And to make matters worse, this mass show exodus is apparently brought on by a change in upper management at Starz. Nothing makes me madder than suits ruining creative. Not the slaughter of the whales. Not the possibility that the LOST island is purgatory even though the show’s executive producers, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse assured us years ago that this was not the case. Not Oliver and Johnny, the two characters who single handedly killed The OC. Nothing.

So anyhow, apparently, Starz named Chris Albrecht from HBO as their new President and CEO in December and Albrecht dragged his feet renewing Party Down because it wasn’t a ratings blockbuster yet and he wasn’t in charge when it was created. See if Party Down ends up being super successful after season 2, Albrecht won’t get the credit for it because it wasn’t his show to begin with. And suits hate not getting all the credit. In the meantime, Glee, while not my cup of tea, became a HUGE hit and Jane Lynch who rocked on Party Down quit before Season 2 even began filming because on Glee she is the bomb and getting paid like it, while on Starz she was probably getting paid more like an actor working as a caterer.

And once filming did begin, so did pilot season and the other actors on the show were faced with the agonizing decision of whether they should hang in there and hope Albrecht keeps the show for a third season or whether they should try to find other jobs on network TV. Not surprisingly, they took care of themselves and auditioned for other roles. Three of the shows best players found new jobs. And I can’t blame them for taking them because finding their kind of work is tough, especially with suits running the show.

Adam Scott, who plays Henry, the show’s central character, is joining Parks & Recreation next fall which is a great move because that show is getting better and better and Aziz Ansari is blowing up because of it.

Lizzy Caplan, who is totally hot despite playing the not so hot sidekick to that Lohan girl in Mean Girls, is leaving Party Down to join a CBS pilot called True Love with Jim from American Pie and Lyla from Friday Night Lights.

And Ryan Hansen who plays the hilariously dim Kyle on Party Down is leaving for a new pilot called Friends with Benefits in the fall which costars troublemaker Rachael from One Tree Hill.

What will Starz do without four of the show’s biggest stars for Season 3? Well, first the show needs to make it through Season 2 and get picked up. And then who knows?

Beverly Hills 90210 lasted six more years after original star Shannon Doherty left and then was reinvented moderately successful new show last year so there is definitely a chance that Party Down can go on with new cast members, especially if they hold onto Martin Starr and Ken Marino who has me dying to go to a Soup R Crackers.

Hopefully, one way or another despite the suits, shows like Party Down will prevail. All we can do now is tune in and find out.

The Kid Stays In The Picture

I haven't written in a few weeks while we set up this new blog, and with a site entitled Say Everything, you would think that I would have something really important to say. Sadly, with me, that's almost never the case. Instead, I'm coming at you with the same nonsense I always do. So, if you like this kind of thing, please feel free to subscribe to our site. McCarthy Culkin and I certainly would appreciate it. Hope you enjoy.

From time to time, Hollywood decides that they want someone to be a star. They don't let it happen naturally. They try and force feed you someone until you like them. I realize this happened a lot in the early days of television and film because studios had certain actors under contract. Maybe that's still the reason, but you never hear about that anymore. The only guide you have is how often certain actors show up when nothing they've ever done has been successful. At what point do you realize that maybe this particular actor isn't what the public wants. I don't know, but it kind of intrigues me. My friend Dan pointed this out to me a few years ago when Josh Lucas was showing up in everything. He's basically a poor man's Matthew McConaghey. Everything about this guy screams that he should be a star, but he just doesn't catch on. There is something about his persona that prevents him from being super successful. He kept showing up in major motion pictures like Sweet Home Alabama, Stealth, Poseidon, and Glory Road. He's fine in these movies, but he isn't a leading man. He should probably try to catch on as a character actor and then try and move over to leading man status. I don't know, it's a thought, because whatever he's doing now isn't working.

The most current example of this phenomenon is happening on HBO's How to Make it in America. I'm still not sure whether I like this show, but I watched a bunch of them in a row the other day and obviously liked it enough to finish out the season. Anyway, this show harbors a "star" that gets chance after chance. It must drive unemployed actors all over New York and L.A. crazy when Bryan Greenberg gets cast in shows and movies every single year. It seems that everyone in Hollywood wants/needs him to succeed. Lets take a look.

Bryan Greenberg first showed up on the vastly underrated early years of One Tree Hill. He played the sensitive rebounding power forward for the Tree Hill Ravens. His character liked to quote Ayn Rand, play guitar, and father a kid in the 11th grade. He also dated the lovely, but troubled Peyton Sawyer which makes him a hero in my book. Greenberg had to leave the show because he had signed a contract with another studio and they pulled him out of One Tree Hill. That would be the end to many a career, but not Greenbergs. Soon he was cast opposite Uma Thurman in Prime, played himself on HBO's Unscripted, and was cast as the lead in October Road. To be honest, I was really looking forward to October Road because it was based on one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls. Unfortunately, the creators of that show took all the soul out of the movie and made one of the worst television shows ever. I kept giving it a chance because I believed they would see the error of their ways, but it never happened. They had the blueprint for a great series and completely botched it. It still aggravates me. Anyway, it wasn't Greenberg's fault that the show failed. He was fine. He's always fine. Never spectacular. Always plays the same type of character. There's nothing good or bad about the guy. So, when HBO went looking for a lead for their new show, he was the obvious choice. Lets find a guy that won't cause a reaction in anyone. I don't know how he does it. Maybe this show will be a success and the rest of the actors in Hollywood will finally get a chance to be in something. If not, I'm sure we'll see him in something else next season. Maybe, if he's as smart as he seems, he'll follow the lead of one of his co-stars, Luis Guzman. This guy has made a tremendous career playing odd ball, yet memorable characters in movies and television. He will always find work because he doesn't get out of his zone. But, Greenberg has managed to nab every leading role that comes his way, so what do I know. I think he may be a genius. Or he has pictures of every studio head doing very bad things. Either one is plausible at this point.

There are other examples of the Greenberg Principle. Most notably, Paula Marshall. It should really be named after her. No one gets more opportunities and has less success than Paula Marshall. She is a series killer. I don't know why. She's perfectly likable, attractive, and she's a good actor. But every series she's on fails. In the last 12 years, she has been cast as a lead in Cupid, Snoops, Cursed, Hidden Hills, Out of Practice and Gary Unmarried. She also had guest stints on Spin City, Sports Night, and Californication. She killed almost all of them. She can't kill Californication because it's too good and Gary Unmarried is so forgettable that people don't waste time hating it. I like Paula Marshall. She won't get me to watch Gary Unmarried, but I want her to succeed. I find her entertaining and she's from my hometown. I wish her luck.

I'm sure this trend will keep up. Instead of someone making themselves a star like Philip Seymour Hoffman, some suit in Hollywood will continue to try and determine who we should like. I'm sure that's good for Bryan Greenberg and Paula Marshall. Unlike the actors who continually lose parts to these two, I have no ill will towards them. I find their careers fascinating. I hope they find the hits they have been searching for. And if they don't, I guess it doesn't matter. We'll be seeing them. Hollywood wouldn't have it any other way.

We're Back and badder than ever

Seems after Joe Lies and I joined our old blog (http://bestworstthings.wordpress.com/) all the other writers slowly began to quit for suspicious sounding reasons like “my real job is too time consuming” or “I’ve gotta make wedding plans”. I know, they sound made up to me, too, but I've got to believe them because otherwise it looks like we drove our writer friends away and that can't be true! So a few weeks ago when the writers dwindled down to just me and Joe, we decided to pull up stakes and start our own blog. And here it is.

As anyone who has read us in the past or who knows us in real life is aware, Joe and I have A LOT of opinions. And we’re pretty much always right. In a world, with so much wrong, how could we not share our every passing thought with you? And now we have a forum where we can do more than just say anything, we can say EVERYTHING. So after two weeks of silence from me, here are a few of the many things I’ve been waiting to get off my chest.

Has anyone else noticed that ABC is now promoting the Jimmy Kimmel Live show with the logo JKL? Doesn’t this remind you of the Matthew McConaughey “Just Keep Livin” brand? Unless Jimmy Kimmel has started playing naked bongos (and honestly, other than Ben Affleck, who wants to see that?), I think he needs to find a new show logo.

If you’ve been watching 90210, am I the only one who is wondering why when Lori Loughlin introduced Kelly Taylor to her hot yoga instructor, Kelly didn’t recognize him as Cliff, the fireman who saved Donna Martin when she twisted her ankle trying to save a baby deer during the brush fire at David and Mark’s house during season seven of the original series?

And speaking of the new 90210, Kelly Lynch is Ivy’s mom - some kind of day drinking, former groupie, record producer? So am I to believe that after Coughlin took his own life at the end of Cocktail his wife headed for LA and got knocked up with a little surfer chick? And was this before or after she became a man because for someone who was supposedly sexy in the 80s, she really went the way of Kathleen Turner and let out her inner dude.

Over the weekend I saw Hot Tub Time Machine, and let me tell you, it rocks the Casbah. And after an evening spent in the mall where a young girl in the Sunglass Hut compared me and my friend, Fissy, to her mom and then we had a run in with some teens carrying around fake babies for a school project, being transported back to the 80s was exactly what I needed. If you haven’t seen it yet, throw on your “where’s the beef?” tee shirt and get yourself to the theater.

Person I’m hating right now….you know there’s always someone I want to punch, right? Well, at the moment, the person I’m gunning for is that horrible woman from Tennessee who sent the little boy she adopted back to Russia on a plane by himself because it didn’t work out. Are you kidding me? He’s your child! No, you didn’t give birth to him but, if you see a difference between giving birth and adoption then you shouldn’t have been allowed to adopt in the first place. My kids can been total devil dogs but never does it cross my mind to consider getting rid of them. Maybe the boy had some emotional issues, but then you get him help, you don’t send him away. And now Russia might revoke the US’s adoption privileges, which is so sad for the children and the parents who would have made happy families here. I have two friends in Tennessee and Aileen & Julie, if you see that bitch, please slap her for me.

Person I’m loving this week – Phil Mickelson. I’ve been pretty disgusted lately with all the stories about Tiger and Jesse James and Tiki Barber and Garcelle Beauvais’s skunk husband. I mean, who do these guys think they are? And why can’t anyone be faithful anymore? And then this past weekend, my faith was restored, not by that idiot Tiger, but by Phil Mickelson, the Masters champion, who I have to admit I have made fun of over the years for being goofy looking. Here’s a guy who has been dealing with the breast cancer of the two women he loves most, his wife and his mother, and when he won, all he really cared about was having his family there. He hugged his wife and thanked her and made me believe that the rich and famous can actually be decent, loving people. Way to go, Mickelson. It’s nice to finally turn on the TV and see what a real man looks like.

These are just some of the many things I’ve been waiting to say to you during our short hiatus. Feel free to comment on this blog and say everything you’ve been holding in. And check back on Friday when my pal Joe Lies will say everything about what it’s like to make out in the backseat with your much younger girlfriend, or something like that.